Posted by CantGiveNameFromShame (female) on February 19, 2002 at 03:28:11:
I wonder if I can use the term "sexual abuse" There are little girls who get raped by fathers and people who end up with multiple personalites from a variety of abuse, children who are molested by preists .. & so my situation seems like, I sholdn't complain. But I have so much shame from it.
When I was about 9-11or so, some older boys in the neighorhood convinced me, I don't even remember how, that I should 'strip' for them. I thought they would be my freinds, I guess that was my 'logic' They were probably about 3 years older than me. So we would go to some hidden place & I would take off my clothes and dance. One time I didn't want to do it any more, I didn't want to take of my underwear, & I wanted to pull it up and leave. So they threw dirt in my underwear. I remember trying to brush it out, but I can't remember anything else. They never touched me, I mean, (god .. I'm a grown woman & I have a hard time saying it) they never touched me between my legs, you know? But I felt ... god knows why I did that... Somehow I valued what they thought. I felt I needed to please them.
I was also raised by a mother who made it pretty obvious that sex was disgusting. (Didn't she? Is that where it comes from?) I feel that she gave the message that sex was something unpleasant that men forced on women. Or it could be a false memory. I don't know. But I really think I remember her, for example, making faces in reference to sex, or sardonic comments.
I did the standard 'I'll show you mine stuff with other kids my age, & I don't feel shame or bad when I remember that. It's like those people were my equals, so it doesn't bother me to recall. It seems kind of silly, but it is something that children do.
But, has anybody had expereince like what I described above? And can I call that sexual abuse? what is it? I have never told anyone about this. I cannot even talk to my therapist about it. I feel so ashamed -- that I let my self be taken advantage of, that I was so weak and needy.
It was only my crazy Quebcois psycholgoist (and manipulative) boyfreind who wondered if I had been sexually abused.
Today, more than 20 years later, I have trouble with my sex drive, I couldn't have an orgasm till I was in my 30s, and I lose my sexual interst in my partner pretty quickly into a relationship. It is very very hard for me to have an orgasm, still once I had an orgasm just from having his (gosh this is so hard for me to say!)penis inside me, rather than thru having him touch me. But even by touching, it is soooo hard to climax. I cannot 'lose myself' in the act. I cannot be free. My mind is always hung up on something else. I have also had sex with people I didn't really want to have sex with, because I felt I couln't refuse.
I hope some people here can give me some help about this. Any thoughts you have could help, I think. Thank you
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