Posted by No offense taken (188.8.131.52) on August 03, 2003 at 21:51:40:
In Reply to: Adventurous-Aggressive ,A Way Of Life posted by Rich (184.108.40.206) on August 03, 2003 at 18:44:08:
> Hello Charlie:
> Why do you think that such a life fires you up? From what you have written, it seems to be the thrill of bouncing drunks that is the turn-on.... If its not too personal, what kind of rush do you get bouncing drunken, beautiful women?
Ok, how about I lay it on the line. I am best when I am blunt. Well, for one, I hold fighting, courage, vice-filled atmospheres and boldness in the highest regard, and to me, this job satisfies that deep need that has eaten away at me all my life, the need that I have never been able to kick. I despise timidity in myself and in others. I carried that fighting mindset all through elementary school, and junior high and a little bit of high school, making me a lofty reputation. Then something happened with my 14 year old heart to which I almost died, and even though I came out of it fine, I was told by doctors that one hard blow to my chest might kill me. So it softened me up a little bit. I hid it from people though, and had to even act tougher. If my father mentioned it to someone, or a friend warned me to be careful, I would just go off on them. I continued to engage in what was now considered high risk activities--football, fighting, boxing--and received many hard blows to my chest. Then one night during a gangfight, a brick split my head open. A bloody mess, I continued to fight, until I got stabbed a few times. But it did something to me. I went into a shell for a few years. I got softer. I started doing real good in community college. Started engaging in the arts and philosophy. I did some travelling. I acted in many plays. I stopped hanging around with all the other troublemakers I grew up with, stopped doing illegal activities and other scams. I started carrying a gun with me, for which I shot at the same kids who stabbed me, and/or a knife. I was more diplomatic with peopel. Sure, I got into a few fights here and there, and continued to box, but I began to think every person was carrying a weapon on them, so I just avoided places that would get me into fights. SO you can imagine how those needs to be tough came into conflict with my changed image. Now I realize that kind of paranoid thinking was a result of that night I got bricked and stabbed(but not knocked down) and I also have decided that dying for courage is a necessary risk. Now you might be picturing me as a big bouncer type looking to boss around some little people. But I am actually smaller than the majority of people going into the bar. And you might also be picturing a lot of other bouncers with me, but I'm the only one besides the pansy conscientious doorguy. Don't get me wrong, I'm well-built, but more in the athletic way. However, I can hit like a big guy, and take shots just the same, and will gouge someone's eyes out if need be. But I don't come off this way. I don't act like a punk to people. I'm usually a gentleman most of the time, unless i'm pissed off already. But now I feel that I am in the position I should be in, and have felt more connected to my younger days.
Also, I like the authority, and the appeal the authority brings. I like the risk of not knowing what will happen in the next few minutes. I like to get into brawls. I like the thrill of hearing the emergency signal to race to the front door. I like the importance people give me. I like sending drinks over to people. You want honesty, I'll give you honesty Rich. None of you will ever know me or see me, so I suppose it don't matter to put myself out there a little bit. I have grown up holding toughness and a big set of balls as the highest ideal. My father would always tell me stories of all the toughest people he grew up around, and I used to always stage imaginary streetfights in my room, pretending to clear out three or four guys at a time. I'll tell ya man, I have always felt invincible in battle, even though i learned the hard way that I am. Now I'm getting that feeling back, and this job has given me the chance to prove what I am made of.
And the owner reinforces my thinking with his own thinking. He confides in me how much of a pansy the conscientious bouncer is, and when a problem is taken outside, we are right there watching eachother's backs. Also, the guy who got me the job, who is out on leave right now, is a gladiator when it comes to fighting, and has taught me a lot so far. He is worth my trust.
I like kicking out beautiful women, because in the past, they always held a power over me which drove me to do crazy things. They also are manipulators and no-good gold diggers, most of them anyway. So I like to tell them to piss off and watch them sulk like the whiny brats they were raised to be.
To me, a secure, comfortable, predictable life makes me miserable. I don't like the idea of a static life. I need unpredictable motion. I need to compete and prove that I am the best. It usually backfires on me after the first few weeks when I find out I'm not the best. I need to be allover the place. I need to be like superman, like the great heroes and leaders I often mention on this site. I like to takeoff in my car and drive halfway across the country to do a dayhike or a rockclimb. I watch action-adventure movies for inspiration, and sometimes they depress me when I realize how boring my life had become.
My only personal weakness is women, and having a hard time communicating with me. Usually most of my relationships are a result of their efforts or my certainty that they were interested. But I cannot keep a relationship to save my life. I usually cheat, overly-criticize, control, and ignore the significant other. When I had my own apartment, I had tons of one-night stands, but relationship wise, I can never get the ones I want, probably out of fear of rejection. I often feel like I would rather not bother to get rejected than try and find out. I don't know what the hell it is. I just don't like people to reject me, and girls have screwed me over plenty of times. When I do get rejected, I usually lose control of myself and become mean and insulting. I kind of keep my air of perfection by not giving them the chance to reject me. Sometimes, this fear of rejection has grown so big that i would lie to people upon first meeting them, whether about my beliefs, etc, just to get what I wanted. Like when I would pick up girls, I did that alot. Now I despise that behavior in myself and will not allow myself to do it anymore.
Other thrills are spending money, gambling, laying out two five hundred dollar chips on one hand of blackjack, while everyone stands aroudn watching me like I were a king. I do have a strong artistic need that surfaces everytime my emotions are charged, or when an atmosphere strikes me as highly aesthetic. Unfortunately, I don't have the discipline to ever stick anything through, although there are moments when some of my work has shined. One of my problems is that sometimes my own fantasies of myself being the top dog of a big company, or a crime organization, or the United States of America, or a great cause, seem so real that I never actually do anything except sit around and bathe in them. But this last year, at 25, I came out of my five year hibernation that I wrote about on here. Death doesn't bother me anymore. Not being alive was no problem for the billions of years or so before I was born, why should it be after I'm dead. And if there is eternity, which my heart thinks there is, then I'll be satisfied to know that I lived eachmoment with pride. What we do now will echo in eternity.
So there, I have laid it out for all of you who will never know me. You know more about me than the average acquaintance. I will also come clean now and admit to putting up two posts under an alias. One described a girl who you labelled as a party gal, and the other described the extremely active guy who you typed as a six. The aliases were frog and debbie. I lied because 1) I didn't want anyone to know what I was about(I like to remain a mystery) and 2) I thought your judgement would be more objective if I detached my name from it, and even went so far to change the gender. But they both described, as does this one, myself roaming through different phases of my life. But this current one is the most profound. Sorry for being long-winded.
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