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Re: The answer to wanting what you cant have
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Re: The answer to wanting what you cant have

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Posted by Solipsistic ( on February 04, 2003 at 13:00:36:

In Reply to: The answer to wanting what you cant have posted by Margaret ( on February 03, 2003 at 19:59:58:


Hello, dont think we have chatted before in this forum. The question you raise is in fact one that I struggle with all the time. In fact the question of happiness as it relates to material pleasure is one of the great questions of life. It is one of the great errors to link one's happiness to one's material possessions. But it is something that almost everyone does to one extent or another and there are messages coming from just about every quarter encouraging people to think that 'if only I had this or that, then I would be happy'. But alas, the satisfaction of desire, rather than reliving the sense of want, only fuels it. I have seen this in myself and others, regardless of thier material station. For example in 2001 I bought a new car. Audi A4 - pretty nice, and I am pretty happy with it but you know all I think about is getting the Porsche. I am certain if I got the Porsche I'd want the Ferrari. Its a little sick. But my friend is a dirt poor yoga teacher and made the big extravagance of buying a raincoat. Now I keep hearing about all the other stuff she is going to buy now that she has a regular job. Here is the bottom line with this. People are geared to seek happiness. And the material objects have real power to produce pleasure - but alas only of limited quality and duration. So linking one's mind to the pleasures resulting in traffic in objects only sets one up for failure since the pleasure of objects is bound to pass. Futher, and more insideous, this traffic sets up a cycle of attraction to and aversion from this or that object, and that cycle disturbs ones mental balance - leading to a greater pain than the satisfaction of desire can ever compensate for. The short answer to your quesiton is that people give up on buying and selling when they realize that the whole game just is not worth playing. But alas its not so easy since most people's sense of self is so strongly bound up with thier objects that they can not see thier way out of it. To abbandon objects of desire is to abbandon the entire horizon. But that is a very limited view point. One abbadons the lower when finding the higher. Higher and more refined object - more and longer lasting satisfaction. That is the model from the Buddhist camp. And it works. Recall that monk who set himself afire to protest the Vietnam war. Imagine the composure of such a person and how they could even part with the most cherished object, the human body, in a way that most would find to be incredibly painful. What had he found to enable him to stablize his mind to such an extent? Think that desire for a house on the lake and a new wardrob would set a person's mind like that all a flutter?

> I thought about an earlier fourbaord post taht asked "how do you deal with wnating what you can't have?"
> And I thought a good answer, which is "by focusing on what you CAN have".

> And that's a cool answer, except, the obstacle I run into next is, "how do you know what is within your reach/ ability/capacity of having or not?"

> I don't want to spend more time thinking about this 'dream home' future life I keep wishing for if it's not going to be within my reach. I only want to start focusing on how I can make my current life better, espeically on the weekends and evenings when I get home, because that's when I am most vulnerable to feeling lonely and wanting a nice home life to live in. All it does is make me impatienct and I end up demanding things that are not within reach and then it just gets even more frustrating not feeling like I'm accomplishing anything.

> How can I learn to scale down my ambitions? My wants and dreams to making thme more realistic? I don't want to spend another summer disappointed and unhappy because I don't have my dream boat and home on the lake again. I don't want ot be miserable because my slary is no where near me being abel to save for downpayment, much less vacation, new wardrode, etc.

> How can I focus on making this year more enjoyable in a realistic way without getting frustrated I don't have soemthing wihtin reach?

> Sometimes it doesn;t seem like *any*thing is within reach? I'm starting to wonder, maybe there really ISn't *any*thing within reach??? But I can't live like that. I need some thing within reach. I need something that I can realsitically accomplish and feel satisfied with afterwards in my life. I have not got this feeling in so long. And it's so frustrating. Anyone have any ideas?

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