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Posted by Kristina ( on April 20, 2003 at 17:59:47:

In Reply to: I wrote a rambling novel in this post....(; posted by emoot ( on April 09, 2003 at 12:09:41:

> > How do fours feel about having children? Do you want them, not, don't know? Just curious.

> =I always thought I would have children.... but it has never been in the forefront of my mind. It's like something I keep telling myself I'll get around to. I don't know if I've thought deeply enough about the logistics of it.

> Of course, I haven't got around to it yet. I'm an INFP, and if it doesn't have to be done today......oh well. (I'm starting to feel a little pressure from the clock but apparently it's not enough yet.)

> But, the other thing is, I have noticed other women who just couldn't wait to be mothers. They loved being pregnant and doing all the detailed work of motherhood after their children were born. They just lived to be moms. I've never been like that.

> And then there are the mixed feelings about it..... which I think must be somewhat normal to those women who don't see themselves as the epitome of motherhood. I have never felt an innate interest in children. I have never really been around little children and especially babies, so there's obviously a little learning curve I'm going to have to endure should I have children.. The next thing is the blaring picture of childbirth itself.... I remember in school watching the film in biology class on human birth and thought...."that looks very unappealing in the most appalling way." I was always kind of bummed that I was going to have to be the one to go through the birthing process. I was hoping by the time I was able to have children that they'd figure out a painless way to go about it...(how's that for shallow)

> Too, I was once of the opinion that all children are annoying, but I know that isn't true, because despite my hellion nephews - don't get me wrong, I love them but they are 24/7 hyper and upredictable- they wear me out ...but I know part of their problem is that their parents have been too lenient with them. Anyway I have met some people lately, who have very well behaved children, thus proving that not all kids are maniacs- or small mental institution escapees. (;

> My next issue is, that I'm none too thrilled to gain pregnancy weight, toss my cookies with morning sickness and hormonally be out of balance.....-yet another shallow part of my personality- .

> I'm also a little worried about what I'd do in an emergency situation if my child was hurt....I know I'm not the calmest person especially when somebody I care about is in peril. I'm probably underestimating myself here, though. There's got to be something bigger that kicks in... in those situations. However when my dog cut her tongue almost in half with a tin can lid......I was very sqeamishly freaked out.... the can was stuck in her tongue and she couldn't get it out.... all I could do was run to my husband and tell him to help her. Fortunately, he got the can out with pliers and we took her to the doggie emergency room... she's fine and her tongue is fine. But if I go to pieces over a dog, I can only imagine what I'd do in an emergency with my own child.

> Plus, I know I'm not a detailed person and I know that raising a child will absorb my whole being. I'm working on a design business at home so I will be able to be home with my kid.... I hope I can juggle both and not short-change my kid.

> Okay, so there are all my doubts about it. Now for the reasons I would want a child. Despite all of my doubts and sacrifices I'd have to make...... this would be my kid and I would love it. I think that once I had the child that all that stuff that I worried about before would just disappear. It'd still be hard but I think ultimately...... I'd like it more than I can imagine and I won't be able to see that side of it until I have a child.

> I honestly thought I would have kids by now, in my early thirties, but I've tried to wait until we were financially stable and plus I have tried to make everything perfect- I have wanted to be in perfect health, perfect frame of mind, perfect timing, perfect weight......As I'm writing I'm seeing the ridiculousness of myself and obviously I need to just let go of that control ....(it's true there's no perfect time for kids)

> So I'm stuck on this side of the fence for now.... waiting for the pressure of time's deadline to force me to action. It's getting closer, because I have thought more and more about it over that past few years and my focus is getting stronger. But I'm not frustrated, desperate or sad about it like some women I have known who are my age and childless (some going through infertility). I still feel okay.

> I have one friend who is a year older than me who just gave birth last November.... She(3w2 or 2w3 -ESFJ) was going through a lot of stress and anxiety with her infertility. She was so frustrated, stressed and absorbed in trying to get pregnant. She finally gave up on natural motherhood and was in the process of adopting and "ta da" she got pregnant...because she quit stressing about it. Now that she has a 4 1/2 month old baby .....she's happy but says she has to plan when she will brush her teeth because she is constantly so busy. She also says she misses her dog(he died before she gave birth). She says it was so much easier just to have a dog to take care of. As upset as she was when she was having difficulty getting pregnant.... I thought I would never have heard her say something like that. I think she must have idealized the experience and didn't realize that once you have children you have to kiss a lot of your personal freedom goodbye.

> In light of what I have learned from her, I am trying to get a realistic vision of how life will be with a baby. Although I think that's partially why I have waited so long...I know it will be a lot of work and I don't know if I'm ready to make that sacrifice just yet.

> I wrote perhaps more than you wanted to read but that's what I'm going through and I have had many, many conversations with several of my friends about this..... because we are all trying to figure it out.

> I have an INFJ/4 friend who feels about the same way I do. She wants kids but insn't in a hurry to have them.

> I still wish a stork would just drop a kid off at my doorstep.
> emoot(:

I am a single mother with a seven-year-old child. I absolutely delighted in my pregnancy and my son's babyhood/early childhood. Now I'm under a huge amount of financial and emotional stress, and I find it's very difficult to take care of myself emotionally, and take care of my son. I find myself resenting him when my needs come up short. Of course, this makes me feel guilty and I am secretly afraid that I'm a bad mother. When I'm not stressed, I feel pretty relaxed with him and very allowing of his individuality. I like him, as well as love him. So it continues to be an intense learning process for me, and I'm glad I did it.

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