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Re: type 4s and social anxiety --- May 3
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Re: type 4s and social anxiety --- May 3

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Posted by Minbari ( on May 03, 2003 at 22:30:55:

In Reply to: Re: type 4s and social anxiety posted by Rho ( on April 27, 2003 at 13:36:45:

Hi. This is my first, well, second time entering a discussion like this (ever). Earlier today I backed into the 8's discussion board through a search concerning a question I have regarding my closest friend who is an eight.

I've read all of your stuff on this social anxiety issue...I'm an intimate four (at the moment--always a four, but lately the intimate thing is about to kill me) and I'm living with 12 other women. One of whom is an 8 and we are close---as close as an 8 will allow, that is. And I've learned a lot just by reading your stuff here, as well as studying enneagram stuff off and on four about 5 years, and I'm seeing a trauma specialist. But all that you've written rings true. But I'm a bit of an extravert--someone said "keep them laughing" and that resonates. Also, someone else said "not enough" to be liked, and I feel often the opposite---I'm TOO much--too dramatic, too sensitive, too emotional. The menstrual cycle is a killer for me. Sorry to ramble, it's just feeling "safe" to unload here with birds of a feather.

Especially, you, Rho, there's something in stuff you've said that's been real helpful...but I can't remember specifically anything. Just comforting. And the definition of intimacy...that was great since I've been looking for a decent definition.

The particular issue I have in the social anxiety arena is weird, I think. I've lived with this group of women for nearly four years. These last four or five months I seem unable to enjoy eating with any of them unless my friend the 8 is at the same table. She, typical 8, has pretty much picked up on this---highly intuitive of other people's stuff, they say, right? And she swears she isn't avoiding me, but she will never sit at my table, waits until being the last one to sit at a final space (usually only four or five to one table) to squeeze me out...it feels to me like it's deliberate. She is loyal to the group (an 8 characteristic) and definitely takes charge. She is an appointed leader in the group and thereby must be available and attentive to everyone "equally" and yet we are "close" as I said. Our relationship is mostly great (as great as an 8 and 4 can be in such a situation--and she's quite a bit older than I am). So meals EVERY NIGHT have been causing me extreme anxiety to the point of obsession. She is in total control and I guess I want to be! But I want to learn to relinquish control--to be okay no matter what anyone else chooses to do, you know? She does not want to be controlled, who does, but she insists she chooses her seat intuitively...which is probably true--so she's reading my desire and is rejecting what I want, right? Any suggestions as to how I can ease up on the demands? Not just the subliminal ones on her, but the ones on me--I'm so hard on myself...shame that I want this closeness, this "proof" that we are close, shame that I set up "signs" to prove we are close, shame when I try (and seldom succeed is even worse) to manipulate things so I do sit with her (or that certain people I'm threatened by are blocked from her table)...I'm driving myself nuts. I want to be free of this obsession, this nausea (I'm, for some reason, "not okay" if she chooses not to sit with me, or even if I choose to sit with her knowing she would sit elsewhere...). If anyone has been compassionate enough to read through all this stuff I've written...I would appreciate any insights. And I already am grateful to have tresspassed on the dialogues so far. Is there such as thing as a Four Support Group? A bi-monthly meeting would be kind of cool...maybe?...I'm sorry to take up so much space. Please talk to me.

Have I "responded" in the right place? Guess I'll know soon...my heart is with all of us struggling with the deep need for intimacy...and yet seemingly choosing the very ones who are unavailable or choose limited closeness with us...is it a curse? Someone else asked something like that...isn't there true balance, a "redeeming" quality of freedom to be the best of what fours can be without driving ourselves stark raving mad? Can't we be loved just like we are, and deeply enough for us to trust and be free and happy?....

> Sigh. I guess that's exactly what I do. But I always figure that there is something about me that is just not enough, and that is why I am never liked the way I want to be by the people I find most ... interesting - that is, those that I have the most desire to connect with.

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