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Relationship...I'm "stuck"...what am I doing wrong
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Relationship...I'm "stuck"...what am I doing wrong

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Posted by Minbari ( on May 03, 2003 at 22:45:43:

Hi. This is my first, well, second time entering a discussion like this (ever). Earlier today I backed into the 8's discussion board
through a search concerning a question I have regarding my closest friend who is an eight.

I've read all of your stuff on this social anxiety issue...I'm an intimate four (at the moment--always a four, but lately the intimate thing
is about to kill me) and I'm living with 12 other women. One of whom is an 8 and we are close---as close as an 8 will allow, that is.
And I've learned a lot just by reading your stuff here, as well as studying enneagram stuff off and on four about 5 years, and I'm
seeing a trauma specialist. But all that you've written rings true. But I'm a bit of an extravert--someone said "keep them laughing"
and that resonates. Also, someone else said "not enough" to be liked, and I feel often the opposite---I'm TOO much--too dramatic,
too sensitive, too emotional. The menstrual cycle is a killer for me. Sorry to ramble, it's just feeling "safe" to unload here with birds of
a feather.

Especially, you, Rho, there's something in stuff you've said that's been real helpful...but I can't remember specifically anything. Just
comforting. And the definition of intimacy...that was great since I've been looking for a decent definition.

The particular issue I have in the social anxiety arena is weird, I think. I've lived with this group of women for nearly four years. These
last four or five months I seem unable to enjoy eating with any of them unless my friend the 8 is at the same table. She, typical 8,
has pretty much picked up on this---highly intuitive of other people's stuff, they say, right? And she swears she isn't avoiding me, but
she will never sit at my table, waits until being the last one to sit at a final space (usually only four or five to one table) to squeeze
me out...it feels to me like it's deliberate. She is loyal to the group (an 8 characteristic) and definitely takes charge. She is an
appointed leader in the group and thereby must be available and attentive to everyone "equally" and yet we are "close" as I said. Our
relationship is mostly great (as great as an 8 and 4 can be in such a situation--and she's quite a bit older than I am). So meals
EVERY NIGHT have been causing me extreme anxiety to the point of obsession. She is in total control and I guess I want to be! But
I want to learn to relinquish control--to be okay no matter what anyone else chooses to do, you know? She does not want to be
controlled, who does, but she insists she chooses her seat intuitively...which is probably true--so she's reading my desire and is
rejecting what I want, right? Any suggestions as to how I can ease up on the demands? Not just the subliminal ones on her, but the
ones on me--I'm so hard on myself...shame that I want this closeness, this "proof" that we are close, shame that I set up "signs" to
prove we are close, shame when I try (and seldom succeed is even worse) to manipulate things so I do sit with her (or that certain
people I'm threatened by are blocked from her table)...I'm driving myself nuts. I want to be free of this obsession, this nausea (I'm, for
some reason, "not okay" if she chooses not to sit with me, or even if I choose to sit with her knowing she would sit elsewhere...). If
anyone has been compassionate enough to read through all this stuff I've written...I would appreciate any insights. And I already am
grateful to have tresspassed on the dialogues so far. Is there such as thing as a Four Support Group? A bi-monthly meeting would
be kind of cool...maybe?...I'm sorry to take up so much space. Please talk to me.

Have I "responded" in the right place? Guess I'll know soon...my heart is with all of us struggling with the deep need for
intimacy...and yet seemingly choosing the very ones who are unavailable or choose limited closeness with us...is it a curse?
Someone else asked something like that...isn't there true balance, a "redeeming" quality of freedom to be the best of what fours can
be without driving ourselves stark raving mad? Can't we be loved just like we are, and deeply enough for us to trust and be free and

I went back (after posting the above under the "anxiety social issue) and read bits and pieces of other postings...decided to start a new header...Hope no one gets too upset I've posted twice...You all seem like really great people---those posted April and May, are all I've read. Thanks in advance for your help....

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