Posted by Minbari (184.108.40.206) on May 04, 2003 at 14:14:59:
In Reply to: Re: Ouch! posted by Rho (220.127.116.11) on May 04, 2003 at 12:34:11:
Thanks Ella and Rho--especially for responding so quickly. And with such encouragement, strength. Part of what's hard is that "comparing mind" -- when "so-and-so" (we'll call her 9) bee-lines to the table every chance she gets because 8 is there...but if I do it it's a problem. Or 8 chooses 9's table five nights in a row... Double standards. Yes I worry too much. Think too much. Need too much. Trying to chill. And while I agree and appreciate the positive energy/encouragement to let it all drop, I can't and won't walk away from the friendship. Though I know the paradox is that I have to let it go or I'll suffocate it. When it's not near dinner time I can view it all as letting her free to be the hero she wants to be to everybody/available to anybody and that's what makes her so special and a good friend, and to me also. And just after dinner today, after I fought those demons of shame because I actually did go to a place and left it...then saw she went to that table anyway so I went back, and as it turned out, the 9 showed up and took the last seat at our table when she had four other options.... (There is a pattern...but I'll spare you.) As I was saying, after all that, I was in a back reading room and saw a book I hadn't noticed, flipped through it and there was a book marker (I swear with God as my witness) that said: "...she withdraws not from you but by unlikeness in willing" (William of St. Thierry). Right down to the elipsis too! I just stared at it for quite a long time. And promptly stole it. This will be a meditation focus for awhile. Rho, your story about what must have happened to the guy--love it! The stories we make up in our heads! We make them up so we can feel miserable and then we have to exert four times the energy to make up good ones to make us feel better. You definitely deserve a good one just because you are you, wait for him...yet, what are the chances a 4 knows the right one when she sees him without freaking and running...? Ella, thanks to you for your good advice. There's another site I found yesterday, will have to go find it and come back and post it. It was a fabulous metaphor...
> **Accept that maybe it's her fault that she's not sitting with you, and **that it's her issues as opposed to your character.
> Hold on to that idea. I find it hard to hold on to myself. In my case, I have to remind myself that maybe this guy that asked me out - maybe he had a fight with his girlfreind, and I was a way of getting revenge. So, his dissapearing on me has nothing to do with my character, but that he has a way of handling his emotinal stuff that has a negative impact on someone trusting, like me... Once he makes up with the girl, I become irrelevant. That's my theory about whats going on. It still hurts to lose (again!) my dream of being with the kind of guy I'd want to be with, but it helps me to not go on thinking & thinking about it.
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