Posted by raz62 (220.127.116.11) on May 05, 2003 at 11:27:50:
First, hello to those of you I know from another Enneagram Board -- Pork, Leda, and I've seen Tiggy's name over there . . .
I'm a 4/3 Soc/sx and now, back at work, I can so perfectly see where it is that my actual day-to-day life is such a piece of sh!t even though I am performing at my end whatever it takes to achieve what I believe in my heart is the RIGHT life for me. I'm not talking about the endless pursuit for happiness, either, I am not naive enough for that. In fact the "in tune" life for me actually has moments of rage and of melancholy . . .
This is that gap that maybe Ayn Rand hints at in her novels . . . you know that you are following the right path, you know intuitively what the results should be -- indeed, in my sleep, my dreams are perfectly matched up to who I am and how it feels -- but then day-to-day life has this bullshit dull veneer over real feelings. It is like being trapped in some terrible Matrix and only once in awhile the Matrix fails for awhile and the real glorious world comes through and it is so great . . .
Now I will be specific 'cause I'm sure this all sounds nuts. (Maybe I am just like Blanche DuBois in Streetcar Named Desire although I have yet to resort to prostitution.)
First of all, I am either completely ignored (usually) or, only when someone needs something from me, treated like a stupid sucker who will do a $50K job for $30K just because I guess they think I'm so nice and stupid I won't say no. Well, I did say no this morning but added that I would do it if I got paid the same as the guy who was let go last week. The person asking me just kind of changed the subject after that.
When I was younger and especially in my undergrad days, I was treated with admiration by the males. Now, at 40, even though I feel like I am sexier than ever (I actually have full breasts now for one thing!), I am completely ignored. This seems to be a socio-economic class thing, too; the blue collar guys in my neighborhood (my significant other being one of them) DO give the little tell-tale glance when I'm out in public. But the white collar snots I work with (the same ones that underpay me!) completely ignore me and any other female who isn't young (under 30) and thin. For those females, they bend over backward and invite them to parties and business trips, even if I am more qualified (which I am) to actually assist someone on a trip with presentations and the like.
I had a terrible weekend -- I emailed a child support agency in my area about my son, who won't go to sleep before midnight no matter how active we keep him, and they never contacted me back, so I guess I'll have to call today; we were asked to leave our apartment by our landlord largely because of my son's behavior (he's 4 1/2); and then I heard the dowstairs tenant screaming that we were assholes and how stupid can we be, etc. etc., and my husband had to physically restrain me from running down the stairs and calling her out to fight. So instead I screamed at the top of my lungs, "you f-----g c-nt" about 10x down at her and we haven't heard a peep from her since. It turns out that the landlord told us that there is a leak from our pipe upstairs into her bathroom, which is totally the landlord's problem, not ours, but she has been believing that we are letting our sinks and tubs overflow all this time.
But the funny thing is, I felt better about who I was on the weekend -- like a warrioress protecting my family; plus it was a lovely weekend and we just hung out in parks and playgrounds the whole time -- than I do in this stupid work role I must fulfill just because we have bills to pay (and the pay never quite covers the bills I might add.) I can't stand being treated like an insignificant little nothing who is underpaid to boot.
Sorry sorry sorry to go on like this! I'm going to read some of the other posts now and hope that someone can comment on how you fix this -- how you get the bullshit out of your life and feel REALLY ALIVE (instead of having to reserve really alive for the damn weekend!)
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