Posted by Margaret (126.96.36.199) on May 05, 2003 at 20:00:03:
In Reply to: Sigh - I know the feeling posted by Rho (188.8.131.52) on May 05, 2003 at 19:27:29:
I know, it does stink when you can't seem to get anyone who wants to pay you nickels.
But I'm wondering, is it really and truly based upon who you are?
Isn't it more dependent upon luck, timing, and supply and demand? All of which are factors totally out of our control?
Atleast those are something I been trying to tell myself.
Plain and simple, although your guy's situation don't seem as much as mine, I'm just tired of getting down on myself because I can't seem to make anything or 'get anywhere' in life. I'm tired of constantly having to 'hide' myself because my status is humiliating. I still am not able to allow myself to make any friends, let alone a relationship, because I feel so unworthy and although I don't want to use this word, I feel like such a loser.
I keep thinking, I will only be worthy enough for another (others) to like me after I accomplish XYZ, but that's the problem, I end up never end up getting close to XYZ, and therefore I keep 'pushing off' friendships, realtionship, because I don't beleive I'm quite 'good enough' yet.
If someone intimate I get close with discovers how much of a failure I really am, this person won't want to be with me. So I keep making plans, take off out of town, leave this place, go here, no, didn't work, I failed again, okay, let's go back here, no, failed again, ok, let's go here, no, failed again, no, where next now? Where can I go, what can I do, that I will finally succeed at? Where? Where? What, what?
And the biggest reason why I have this 'obsession' to go somewhere and dd something I can accomplish is because I'm so tired of feeling humilitated from failing all the time and not accompishing anything I'm afraid another would think would be good, worthwhile enough.
It's alwasy soon I will get this, then I will get this, one more year, and after I get this, then I will finally be good enough, worthwhile enough to be seen with, and the other won't have to be so embarrassed and ashamed to be seen with me anymore.
But alas, all this, 'almost there, almost there', keeps getting pushed further and further, I am just about ready to give up and call it quits. And just say, scew it. What the hell, guess what everyone, I'm a loser who has nothing and has done nothing, and is not capable of doing snything. But I've tried, and although I have failed at everything, at least I tried.
And I'm starting to wonder, would I be accepted for this though?
To admit that although I am a failure in life, but at least I tried. Better to have tried, than to have not tried though, right?
Because I'm tired, I'm tired of being lonely and alone. I'm tired of feeling I need to be hidden and I am not worthwhile to be seen around others because my status. That's why I always want to leave and go somewhere else. Because I am desperate to do something and achieve something and be worthwhile instead of constantly failing at everything wherever I go. I'm tired of failing. I put off my whole life for failing, for trying to do somethign different, trying to think of something new. Trying to go here, go bakc there, go over here, anywhere, anywhere, something, something, just needs to be something, anything, anything to get out of this 'failure' status - anything.
Sometimes I think if there was only a job I could have that would offer me complete and total isolation, I would be in relief finally, because then no one could see me all day and I would be safe from being put down all the time because I have been such a failure for so long.
And then I dream I would go home at night to someone who would still liek me even if just for trying, I may not have made much anything of my life, but at least I tried, and they would still think I am okay even if that the case anyway.
> > First of all, I am either completely ignored (usually) or, only when someone needs something from me, treated like a stupid sucker who will do a $50K job for $30K just because I guess they think I'm so nice and stupid I won't say no. Well, I did say no this morning but added that I would do it if I got paid the same as the guy who was let go last week. The person asking me just kind of changed the subject after that.
> **** that's a start. & work on your resume - *off work hours* of course. Then start putting out feelers for a job. Even if you don't get offers tomorrow, it will give you the feeling that you have options, and that means confidence. It should also help you to get a feel for your market value - if you know for sure that you are worth 50K, you can demand that with a lot more confidence. (Don't forget, with this economy, a 50K job is now worth 40K :(
> > the blue collar guys in my neighborhood (my significant other being one of them)
> BLESSING 1 - you *have* a significant other
> even if I am more qualified (which I am) to actually assist someone on a trip with presentations and the like.
> **** If you are more qualifed, a good company would choose you. Reason #2 to start looking for work.
> > But the funny thing is, I felt better about who I was on the weekend -- like a warrioress protecting my family; plus it was a lovely weekend and we just hung out in parks and playgrounds the whole time
> Blessing 2 -- see how good you feel about yourself,
> Blessing 3 -- you know how to appreciate what is real in life, and let it lift your mood!
> About your appartment, well, it is time to get out of there, anyway, I bet, and this was what you needed to give you the push.
> I'm 37 (38 in two months) - I only wish i had a signigicant other and a child. But I have arrived at a point where i am getting that maintenance thing down. SInce I have been accepted into music school, and have decided to go, really, since finally admitting that what I want to do is be a singer/songwriter, a lot of my misery and unhappiness that I got stuck in has fallen away, but it comes back, it comes back. I find it is a constant process of watching, modifying etc. Sometimes my deep nature is too strong and that - 'I am unique, unique in my damage' thing just rears its head and it is too strong, I can't get out. BUt I remember that our thought affect our moods, and we need to think positive thoughts to get us out of negative moods.
> Today I threw away the business card of a guy I met last week. I erased his phone number from my phone book and call history. I feel like I put myself out as much as is possible for me, and I can see that he is just not that motivated. so ...
> Now the challenge is for me to distract myself from this thing that keeps proving to me that I can never be loved. :(
> count your mitzvahs - (blessings)
> and remember, HEALTH more that beauty is a big one!!!
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