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Damn! I can't shake it!
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Damn! I can't shake it!

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Posted by Rho ( on May 08, 2003 at 23:49:16:

Its that guy I mentioned before. We only had one real date. When he dropped me off he said "I guess you want to take a rain check on that backrub". So if figured he respects my sexuality - like, he didn't expect me to be available right away, leading leading me to conclude that he'll stick around for a while. He also asked me to give him a wake up call the next day. That's pretty intimate, that's pretty connected, I think. In fact, it was a bit much for me... (I also mentioned that we talked like, 4 times on Tuesday before we met, then we talked like, 4 times on wednesday, but that I didn't go out to meet on wednesday, but I called on thursday & he didnt return my call till saturday)

So, it was Tuesday last week that we went dancing, & then we played phone tag all week, he left a message on my voice mail at 1:30 after midnite on Monday this week

Since Friday last week I haven't done any writing, I haven't played my instrument. THis morning I didn't get our of bed for 3 hours - you know - that paralysis stuff - the D-word that saps the vitality & spirit right out of you. Obviously its not the guy himself, but other feelings its bringing up. I guess that's why I'm having trouble shaking this. But also, I liked him - or at least I thought I did. There's always that problem of not seeing the real person, but seeing the fantasy of our own that we project on to them. But mainly this whole thing has reminded me of how lonely I am, and how weak & vulnerable i am in this one aspect of my life. The professional world, I can detach from it & be a real powerhouse, but with men - fugeddaboudit. I'm so weak. I'm scared of them.

The thing I don't get - I've worked out most of the snakes in my brain - so I'm confident, competent, in control of my life. I'm funny & I'm smart (perhaps a little too smart for some guys, I've been told) & even where I'm weakest - I keep it to myself. I don't tell a guy "I've got issues with this or that" I just keep the subject something neutral & fun. The other day I met my freinds new girlfriend. She's 42 like him, & looks FANTASTIC but BOY - was she nutty - I could see the damage & the brain snakes, but he didn't care (too much) Now, me, I've got most of that stuff worked out, so its not like I'm fighting impulses to talk about my problems or to be negative or whatever. I'm all right & I'm fun, plus I'm deep & philosophical - I'm not shallow or lightweight.

My freind listened to MOnday nite message - this guy was just getting out of the office (has a very demanding job) & he(my freind) said to give him another chance, that he sounded like he regretted not being able to be in touch, & that he was rambling a bit made it seem that he was kind of tounge tied. So, I want to give him another chance - BUT HE HASN'T CALLED ME - so I guess he really isn't that motivated about me.

If you made it this far, THANK YOU SO MUCH. I'm really quite ashamed of my inability to let go of this problme and to let it interfere with my life. I really have to snap out of it.

so, I have just one question:

Can you guys make him call me?

I hope so

Thank you


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