Posted by Rho (22.214.171.124) on May 10, 2003 at 00:50:09:
In Reply to: Re: Damn! I can't shake it! posted by Margaret (126.96.36.199) on May 09, 2003 at 14:49:43:
Tough questions - great questions! and a lot of WISDOM in this post. I can't answer right away. I have to do a lot of thinking. Then I'll post.
> Aha, alast, a topic I can help you out with.
> First, probe yourself, why do you want him to call you so much?
> I mean, yes, I know you like him, but I mean at a deeper level.
> Is it to feel nurtured, comforted, loved, admired, worthy, needed, secure? Is it love? Security? Comfort? What is it? What feeling do/would you get when/if he were to call? What is it exactly you emotionally need the most from him that you're not getting at this time?
> After that answer, you can decide, either 1) you are satisfied with him currently not providing you with your needs (because according to your post it sure doesn't seem like he has been doing so)or 2) you can keep looking for someone else who can provide you with your needs and call you, etc. or 3) you can teach him how to provide you with your needs, provided that he think it's worth it, because you are providing him with his needs and he doesn't want to lose that.
> One other thing though, about needs. There are always limits as to what people can provide you with. Some people are more naturally emotionally giving and available than others, because they have learned how to give and receive nurturing and love with others growing up in a healthy, safe, nurturing environment.
> Others are not able to be so, not because they don't want to, but because they have never had the opportunity to learn it that one gets from growing up in a loving secure caring family environment.
> This means that given the chance to learn, the ones who have not the opportunity before, once given the chance and safe loving caring relationship environment to learn so in, do have the ability to eventually become more affectinate and outwardly loving and giving like the others who learned at a younger age.
> It's never too young to start learning as well as teaching others.
> I say this from experience. I grew up in a so-so family environment. My needs (to be emotionally and verbally shown affection, love, nurturing, comfort) weren't really met. When I was in a relationship with someone who did grow up with the learning, he taught me, and I picked up from him, and learned from him how to receive and give back.
> Since then, I've wanted the same kind of relationship, where both people are able to meet each other's needs and live a decent nice happy life.
> However, fact is, majority of people don't have that learning experience, and simply need to be taught. This might be the situation with that guy. Maybe you need to teach him how to meet your needs. Maybe he doesn't know how.
> In that case, you'd have to teach him, however, if he doesn't want to learn, no matter what you do, he will never meet your needs and you will alwys feel this 'lacking' from him. In that case, move on to someone else who can either provide with it, or is at least willing to learn.
> All this of course is provided that you can offer the ability to meet their needs, or at least be willing to learn how to met their needs.
> Does this help any?
> > Its that guy I mentioned before. We only had one real date. When he dropped me off he said "I guess you want to take a rain check on that backrub". So if figured he respects my sexuality - like, he didn't expect me to be available right away, leading leading me to conclude that he'll stick around for a while. He also asked me to give him a wake up call the next day. That's pretty intimate, that's pretty connected, I think. In fact, it was a bit much for me... (I also mentioned that we talked like, 4 times on Tuesday before we met, then we talked like, 4 times on wednesday, but that I didn't go out to meet on wednesday, but I called on thursday & he didnt return my call till saturday)
> > So, it was Tuesday last week that we went dancing, & then we played phone tag all week, he left a message on my voice mail at 1:30 after midnite on Monday this week
> > Since Friday last week I haven't done any writing, I haven't played my instrument. THis morning I didn't get our of bed for 3 hours - you know - that paralysis stuff - the D-word that saps the vitality & spirit right out of you. Obviously its not the guy himself, but other feelings its bringing up. I guess that's why I'm having trouble shaking this. But also, I liked him - or at least I thought I did. There's always that problem of not seeing the real person, but seeing the fantasy of our own that we project on to them. But mainly this whole thing has reminded me of how lonely I am, and how weak & vulnerable i am in this one aspect of my life. The professional world, I can detach from it & be a real powerhouse, but with men - fugeddaboudit. I'm so weak. I'm scared of them.
> > The thing I don't get - I've worked out most of the snakes in my brain - so I'm confident, competent, in control of my life. I'm funny & I'm smart (perhaps a little too smart for some guys, I've been told) & even where I'm weakest - I keep it to myself. I don't tell a guy "I've got issues with this or that" I just keep the subject something neutral & fun. The other day I met my freinds new girlfriend. She's 42 like him, & looks FANTASTIC but BOY - was she nutty - I could see the damage & the brain snakes, but he didn't care (too much) Now, me, I've got most of that stuff worked out, so its not like I'm fighting impulses to talk about my problems or to be negative or whatever. I'm all right & I'm fun, plus I'm deep & philosophical - I'm not shallow or lightweight.
> > My freind listened to MOnday nite message - this guy was just getting out of the office (has a very demanding job) & he(my freind) said to give him another chance, that he sounded like he regretted not being able to be in touch, & that he was rambling a bit made it seem that he was kind of tounge tied. So, I want to give him another chance - BUT HE HASN'T CALLED ME - so I guess he really isn't that motivated about me.
> > If you made it this far, THANK YOU SO MUCH. I'm really quite ashamed of my inability to let go of this problme and to let it interfere with my life. I really have to snap out of it.
> > so, I have just one question:
> > Can you guys make him call me?
> > I hope so
> > Thank you
> > Rho
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