Posted by minbari (188.8.131.52) on May 10, 2003 at 14:55:54:
In Reply to: Damn! I can't shake it! posted by Rho (184.108.40.206) on May 08, 2003 at 23:49:16:
Hey Rho...haven't read the other responses yet. I'm still getting used to reading other people's stuff who sound SO MUCH like me. The good side to that (and they are actually all good sides) is that I can hear my heart-felt, genuine, compassionate response to you and recognize that I also need to be attending to myself (in the same struggles as you and others have) with the same heart-felt, genuine, compassionate response. (Big sigh after all those words.)
First, I want to encourage you to feel what you feel...I have a healer (massage therapist, female, native American, highly intuitive and spiritual, she is amazing) who encouraged me recently to feel the feelings all the way back to my original self---which is always joy. I have no idea what that means or how it works, or if it is necessarily successful. But the idea seems to be that what you truly truly want is to be wholly and completely loved for who you are, and thereby safe to express who you really are without fear of rejection....all these things you already know. This is human. This is good. This is pure and authentic and worthy of your desire. So see that, feel that...as well as the confusion and the fear and the pain. Buddhism teaches that these unwanted feelings are the manure to deeper growth and healthier being---when we accept them, allow them to burn themselves out. We are not what we feel (thank God). From Jesus' teaching we learn to see nature in the moment and how there is no fear in the essence of the being. See the trees? The lillies of the field? Birds in the air? They have no worries, no mind traps, no negative self-talk, and everything they need is provided...as it would be for us when we accept life with open hands....
I don't mean to preach, sincerely I don't. I know your feelings...hell, I feel like I AM your feelings! But what to DO? Maybe the other responses have some more practical advice... One thing from Buddhist teaching is also that when you observe you are slipping into an old pattern (like the depression, or the shame, self-doubt, self-hatred) simply CHANGE WHAT YOU'RE DOING at that moment---trick your mind, I guess. Just do something ELSE not in the pattern.... I have found this helpful.
With great compassion, Minba
> Its that guy I mentioned before. We only had one real date. When he dropped me off he said "I guess you want to take a rain check on that backrub". So if figured he respects my sexuality - like, he didn't expect me to be available right away, leading leading me to conclude that he'll stick around for a while. He also asked me to give him a wake up call the next day. That's pretty intimate, that's pretty connected, I think. In fact, it was a bit much for me... (I also mentioned that we talked like, 4 times on Tuesday before we met, then we talked like, 4 times on wednesday, but that I didn't go out to meet on wednesday, but I called on thursday & he didnt return my call till saturday)
> So, it was Tuesday last week that we went dancing, & then we played phone tag all week, he left a message on my voice mail at 1:30 after midnite on Monday this week
> Since Friday last week I haven't done any writing, I haven't played my instrument. THis morning I didn't get our of bed for 3 hours - you know - that paralysis stuff - the D-word that saps the vitality & spirit right out of you. Obviously its not the guy himself, but other feelings its bringing up. I guess that's why I'm having trouble shaking this. But also, I liked him - or at least I thought I did. There's always that problem of not seeing the real person, but seeing the fantasy of our own that we project on to them. But mainly this whole thing has reminded me of how lonely I am, and how weak & vulnerable i am in this one aspect of my life. The professional world, I can detach from it & be a real powerhouse, but with men - fugeddaboudit. I'm so weak. I'm scared of them.
> The thing I don't get - I've worked out most of the snakes in my brain - so I'm confident, competent, in control of my life. I'm funny & I'm smart (perhaps a little too smart for some guys, I've been told) & even where I'm weakest - I keep it to myself. I don't tell a guy "I've got issues with this or that" I just keep the subject something neutral & fun. The other day I met my freinds new girlfriend. She's 42 like him, & looks FANTASTIC but BOY - was she nutty - I could see the damage & the brain snakes, but he didn't care (too much) Now, me, I've got most of that stuff worked out, so its not like I'm fighting impulses to talk about my problems or to be negative or whatever. I'm all right & I'm fun, plus I'm deep & philosophical - I'm not shallow or lightweight.
> My freind listened to MOnday nite message - this guy was just getting out of the office (has a very demanding job) & he(my freind) said to give him another chance, that he sounded like he regretted not being able to be in touch, & that he was rambling a bit made it seem that he was kind of tounge tied. So, I want to give him another chance - BUT HE HASN'T CALLED ME - so I guess he really isn't that motivated about me.
> If you made it this far, THANK YOU SO MUCH. I'm really quite ashamed of my inability to let go of this problme and to let it interfere with my life. I really have to snap out of it.
> so, I have just one question:
> Can you guys make him call me?
> I hope so
> Thank you
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