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can't break the despair
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can't break the despair

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Posted by Minbari ( on May 10, 2003 at 23:26:14:

I handled it well for hour after hour...managed to go be someplace else today while 8 was with her friend 5 for four hours. I found out they would be having lunch by overhearing part of a phone call. "Yes, it is sad, that's why we need to sit down and talk about this..." and arrangments were made Thursday night for today. And I wondered but didn't fret, didn't spin out...kept the jealousy and fear away--tried to allow myself to feel the jealousy and fear as a means to dissipate it, rather than suppressing it. I went out (this was late at night) and walked the labyrinth in our backyard. Took over an hour and I felt tremendsouly better.

Last night she was evasive about her plans, but I had already overheard the call...

And I went out before she left so that I would be away, with my mind on other things, interested in other things...went to a bookstore to do some reading and even met a poet there and it was very nice, very separate....

Came home to internet stuff, even posted a message to you, Rho, read and wrote emails to friends I haven't been in touch with in several weeks...

I've been doing all the right things.

But...I now confess to you how my fear got the best of me. When I got home and she wasn't home yet, I went into the doorway of her room and just looked....sometimes it is a comfort that she is "there" even when she isn't. And I saw an envelope from 5 with nothing in it. Since the two talk several times a week, have internet access, and just took a four-day vacation together two weeks ago, I really got curious...but the letter wasn't there.

Then 8 came home exhausted (we had a friend die this week and that took so much out of us. We also live in an area where tornadoes have been hitting the last few days...) She was tired and went to bed. I kept doing my thing.

Then she left the house and so...I confess to you my paranoia got the better of me. I saw the opportunity and before I could change my direction, I went into her room and saw the letter on her dresser. It was folded and I dared only to read what I could see without unfolding it. It expressed that 5 felt left out, and had even stopped last fall calling 8 to do things because of not being able to hear no...and felt distance...they were growing apart (they just went on vacation together! My god, someone more crazy than me--and a 5 at that!) and that she would hear about movies 8 had seen... and so "you can accuse me of jealousy" and that was all I could read and I want so much to have read the last 2/3 of the letter...and yet am deeply ashamed for reading what I did. And those "movies" and other things being out were with me... and so I spiraled into panic. These two women have been friends for decades, I can't compete with that. And I know--I fear--that 8 will now feel obligated (there's family history etc.) to spend more time and energy with her...that will be at my expense...

I will lose her. Abandoned. But I did everything right---I did the breathing exercises and reminded myself to relax and trust her. I recognized that I had to go through the rest of the evening with her and the rest of everybody we live with so that there would be no suspicion of what I'd read. I never dreamed 5 could be jealous or would ever write such a thing.

I am stuck emotionally at age 9, I know this. I'm working through this. It is trauma related. Abandonment related... She doesn't understand much of it and I keep much of it from her.

Then later ... to make a long story short, she was being so distant, preoccupied... and time passed...I perceived distance, a couple of times I could see her avoid me (I'll spare the description and I tried not to let the negative thoughts begin...just let it go...)

We normally walk home together but she stopped short and then took out the atlas...I waited. Sat down. Went outside. Came back in. I was trying to make conversation...trying to connect, simply trying to connect...and she started to cave with emotional exhaustion but just before that I made it worse by saying something about 5---I simply said, "So how is ----?" And she said, "Fine." And I said, "Good. Because whenever you're with her, you come home and treat me like this..." And it started to spin...she reacted that none of it had anything to do with me...she was tired and wanted to be left alone. Seeing her dissolve emotionally at my "hand" is too much for me anyway, I can't stand it when I do this kind of thing and I said, "Okay okay, I'll leave...."

Anyway, later I had beat myself up pretty badly about it all and she was out sweeping the porch, I apologized, said I don't want to behave like this, don't want to cause her to feel ...whatever... I asked her to forgive me, she said she had already done so.

But she went on to say something about accusations and motivations...she said something about energy and wanting, needing more time alone. She said she can't stand everybody clinging to her. And how I wait... I told her I enjoy walking home with her and she reacted that she wanted to walk alone. And she accused me of having to know everything she's doing like she's supposed to report to me. And that my saying she treats me like this after seeing 5 is crazy because she rarely sees her. (I wish I had said that no matter how often they see each other, it was still true that afterward she retreats big time and then suddenly things that were routine for us are suddenly a problem and my fault. And that the only time she seems to feel that I'm wanting to know her stuff is when she's going to see her.)

And I calmly acknowledged that my capacity to "be with" is greater than hers. And that my desire to "be with" is greater... She nodded her head. And tuned me out. But I didn't go away...again, my need to connect. I tried to be brief and remind her I'm terrified of being abandoned and I hate that it causes me to do or say things that do this to her. I told her, very calmly, quietly...the information doesn't matter, it's not so much that I have to know anything, but that I have to connect. I just want the connection.

What has been patterned for me and what I have experienced has caused me to confuse intimacy with bondage like this. And I have confused freedom with abandonment, loss, despair... So while intellectually I know better, everything in me says that I will never be able to love well and don't deserve to be loved in return. And I know...okay, I fear...that I will never know true intimacy because of this kind of stuff...

How could I be here again? How could I destroy all this?

What's worse is that I know she isn't worried about it like I am. She voiced what she needed---space---and she has moved on. I know that she internalizes this as being her fault--her fault that she failed 5 and now her fault that she has failed me. And I take it ALL and blame myself. If it weren't for me, 5 wouldn't be jealous...and 8 wouldn't feel this doubly. She is 100% committed to this community and doesn't want a significant other. I know this and yet I keep trying to...keep hoping it isn't true... She is also committed to caring for this 5...she has been around a very long time. I come in 4th---family first, community second, 5 third and then maybe me...

Why do fours ... never mind the why. How do 4s ever be okay with not being the most loved/most important person in the life of the one she wants to be so important to?

Are these "brain snakes"? How do I kill them?

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