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Posted by Rho ( on May 12, 2003 at 13:20:02:

I took a big risk --

I sent that guy an email that was essentially really honest & open - I'm never open about my emotions. Over the week, although I'm still sad, I've arrived at a point where I have 'renounced' him - I don't want antother 'date', I don't want to try to get into a relationship. I couldn't be so honest and open if I still wanted to be with him. I have to keep my feelings hidden when I still want to be in a relationship with someone.

I told him I was dissapointed that he seemed to have lost interest in me and that that is why I stopped calling. I said I'd like to be freinds, and if he can't maintain contact with me because something or somone would make it difficult for him to stay in touch with me, I'd appreciate his being honest about it. last thing I said was "I hope you will be in touch"

NOW -- what do I want from this?
I am hoping that there was some kind of misunderstanding and that we have *both* been so hurt that we are both really skittish about emotional risks and that I am giving him an opening to come back.

The worst possible result is if he never responds. That would really suck. I would have taken a big risk, humiliated myself by openly telling a man that i liked him, and after all that shown that he didn't even think it worthy of a response.

THe hardest thing seems to be that when you take a risk to get a response from a person, that makes it easier to take another risk - and suddenly you PRIDE is not so important.

If he doesn't respond (I have a feeling he won't) it will just drag out this non-putting-this-behind-you limbo that I have been going thru - the thing that has been sapping my energy

but maybe the fact that I was brave, and gave it the college try, that might make it easier to get on with things - practice everyday, write in my journal and work on writing songs ...

Also the weather here isn't helping at all. Every day its grey grey grey -- and COLD.

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