Posted by raz62 (184.108.40.206) on May 23, 2003 at 11:19:02:
In Reply to: Re: someday.. posted by raz62 (220.127.116.11) on May 23, 2003 at 09:35:21:
Here I am, this anonymous person telling my story. Because Margaret's experiences SO resonate with me and mine.
For all of my life I was outstanding at scholastics, music, and art, until I reached college. (ex. National Merit Scholar and "5" in the Advanced Placement English test in 1980; playing classic piano at the level of Khachaturian and "Malaguena" by senior year (1980); pretty good showings in my high school art class.) Then in college I dropped to just "good," I guess (3.0 GPA) but I could have cared less -- I knew that your GPA was not going to be all that important in going out into the world and being a big success. As a 4/3, that meant success on my own unconventional terms -- being listened to as a writer, artist, and musician with important things to say. Being treated with respect. I imagined a very bohemian life for myself (with the luxuries of an aristocrat of course but I tried to suppress that luxury-loving part as much as possible in the pursuit of being a REAL creative person.)
I received my BA by the end of 1984 from Temple U. in Journalism. From 1985 until I put myself into a drug rehab in May 6, 1993 (yes, I now have 10 years away from the hard stuff that I was into in my late 20s), I had quite a time. I had a lot of adventures and a lot of problems. For some reason the recognition and respect that came so easily to me in my earlier years was completely missing. I would get superior performance reviews at jobs but then be completely overlooked for raises or promotions. The drugs problem only started after years of this kind of treatment, so the drugs were not the cause of my lack of success, rather they were my comfort after I just couldn't take the failure anymore.
From 1991 to 2000, I did not work a conventional full-time job.
As I have posted here before, I can look back and see three big reasons for the lack of success -- AND IT'S ALL HAPPENING AGAIN AT MY CURRENT JOB that I've held since 2000, after I SWORE I would [b]never[/b] put myself through this again, I'm putting myself through it again because of my kids, it's their housing, food, clothes, schooling, etc. that I work for --
Reasons for failure:
1. Being female
2. Being an e type 4 and an INFP
3. Being from a blue-collar working class family and going to an average school (Temple) rather than a top school (Ivy League and the like.)
Now, as a 4, I am very vulnerable to depression, and that's where they (my employers) have got me now. I don't even want to lift a finger to help myself, I want to go home and curl up and sleep. I have a wonderful life outside of here, my ONLY problems are 1. putting up with my kids behavior, and 2. not knowing how to make a living at something that is right for me. There is so much I want to do in life and I'm stuck here at this office and they have humiliated me so many times.
Margaret, I would not be the least bit surprised if my boss came to me and said, "We really don't need you as an editor anymore because we have hired another Series 16 licensed editor (I do not have enough years in the industry to go for that license), but we would LOVE it if you could provide administrative support to some of the guys here." I know the job market sucks and quite frankly I have a job already, I have two kids to raise and that's a full-time job. Should we try to make it on my common-law husband's business? He's already 50% disabled in one leg (he could not put in really demanding 50+ hour weeks) so we'd be risking losing a steady income and some benefits if we went that route.
This is a really long post -- but I needed to get this shit out. It SUCKS when you get no advancement while others seemingly no more deserving do get something.
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