Posted by Minbari (220.127.116.11) on May 26, 2003 at 22:35:19:
Your advice is, as always, so insightful. And direct.
I'm a writer, musician, graphics designer (sort of) with "lots of talent" and "intelligence."
I lack motivation. Right now. It's a sort of dark night of the soul that keeps cycling.
And I release the tension by trying to control my closest friend...who represents a significant person in my life that I lost traumatically at the age of 5...I just put that together in a new way tonight about an hour ago. This person was my home, someone who delighted in me, I had her all to myself (she was an adult) and she loved and celebrated me. I remember baloney sandwiches and happy wiggles and old time gospel hour (this was Nashville) at noon. And swimming and so many things...
Then one day she was gone...
What I put together is that she was home to me, my safe place, my soul mate of sorts. She cared about me just because I was me and she was she... I've been looking for that ever since. And I am trying to control this person in my life to be all that for me now. And she can't be...
So I've been grieving this year (one of the traumas deeply buried that began surfacing a year ago)...and spinning in the cycle of expectation and grabbing onto the simplest "sign" that this is it! The right relationship! The answer to all my problems! ...
I haven't written in a year. And the novel I finished last spring is sitting on a shelf in the closet. How in the world can a 4 sell her child? (My first novel sold 1990 and was requested by the publisher so no sales involved...and then chaos reigned for the next nearly 10 years... other pieces have been sold throughout that time, but mostly in the advertising/freelance arena.)
But you're right, Rho, I need to focus again on my passion. (I just don't have a tap-in to one at the moment.) But I am terrified of letting go of the surface world...so for right now I have to learn the lesson...
I also went to my first alanon meeting this morning. They say to go 6 times before deciding whether to stay. I'm terrified that this could change everything. And I'm terrified that it won't change anything. It's a lot different from going to my trauma therapist...is it because of the group? As in lots of people who won't let me get away with anything?
Anyone else out there "working the program"? (Am I allowed to ask that? I know alanon's anonymous so nevermind...but all this is, too?)
I walked the labyrinth this morning about 4:15 a.m. Pitch black beyond description. Faint glow on the edge of the bricks (it's a grass thing) from a resin colored lamp a few hundred feet away on another side of trees... Having to trust the path in the dark...hitting a "wall" every now and then...quite an experience. A good lesson.
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