Posted by emoot(: (188.8.131.52) on May 27, 2003 at 17:30:12:
In Reply to: Another cycle...thanks Rho-- posted by Minbari (184.108.40.206) on May 26, 2003 at 22:35:19:
> Your advice is, as always, so insightful. And direct.
> I'm a writer, musician, graphics designer (sort of) with "lots of talent" and "intelligence."
> I lack motivation. Right now. It's a sort of dark night of the soul that keeps cycling.
> And I release the tension by trying to control my closest friend...who represents a significant person in my life that I lost traumatically at the age of 5...I just put that together in a new way tonight about an hour ago. This person was my home, someone who delighted in me, I had her all to myself (she was an adult) and she loved and celebrated me. I remember baloney sandwiches and happy wiggles and old time gospel hour (this was Nashville) at noon. And swimming and so many things...
> Then one day she was gone...
> What I put together is that she was home to me, my safe place, my soul mate of sorts. She cared about me just because I was me and she was she... I've been looking for that ever since. And I am trying to control this person in my life to be all that for me now. And she can't be...
> So I've been grieving this year (one of the traumas deeply buried that began surfacing a year ago)...and spinning in the cycle of expectation and grabbing onto the simplest "sign" that this is it! The right relationship! The answer to all my problems! ...
> I haven't written in a year. And the novel I finished last spring is sitting on a shelf in the closet. How in the world can a 4 sell her child? (My first novel sold 1990 and was requested by the publisher so no sales involved...and then chaos reigned for the next nearly 10 years... other pieces have been sold throughout that time, but mostly in the advertising/freelance arena.)
> But you're right, Rho, I need to focus again on my passion. (I just don't have a tap-in to one at the moment.) But I am terrified of letting go of the surface world...so for right now I have to learn the lesson...
> I also went to my first alanon meeting this morning. They say to go 6 times before deciding whether to stay. I'm terrified that this could change everything. And I'm terrified that it won't change anything. It's a lot different from going to my trauma therapist...is it because of the group? As in lots of people who won't let me get away with anything?
> Anyone else out there "working the program"? (Am I allowed to ask that? I know alanon's anonymous so nevermind...but all this is, too?)
= I'm leading it. Well, kinda....not exactly alanon.... something very much like it except that it is a Christ based(open share and 12 step study) recovery program that covers every issue/addiction/hurt/hangup/etc..... under the sun.
Trust me..... you will change if you hang in there and it is hard as heck... but the outcome is well worth the struggle to face the pain in life.
I jumped into this thing head first...... you see, I have never been through a 12-step program...... mainly because I have never been an addict or codependant.........but the reason I jumped into this to lead it is because I have an area of knowledge that will help people greatly.
Because I have been through some problems with another person who didn't have it all together and even though.... I handled it correctly... I didn't escape the pain of dealing with it.
I've got some scars from it but it just made me want to go out there and take this thing down....(the problem that caused my friend's addiction). So I guess I am in crusader mode to kill it. (I know I won't ever rid the planet of this problem...but if I can help others who are having to deal with it..I see it as a victory, that's one less person going down the pain drain)
I've forgiven my friend and together we are working to help others.
Sincerely... fellow artist - graphic designer, and learning to write now,
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