Posted by minbari (22.214.171.124) on May 27, 2003 at 23:09:04:
In Reply to: is this an insult? please help posted by Lori (126.96.36.199) on May 27, 2003 at 18:29:43:
Hey Lori-- I, too, want to validate your feelings about being insulted.
And as was suggested, there probably are other issues at work on her end of the matter.
One thing I'm trying to learn to do is listen more deeply to what the person is saying beneath my own issues of perception (you mentioned honestly and admirably that perhaps you were sensitive because of your sadness with aging)... Some people try to tease or joke as a simple attempt to be familiar and friendly and bond... Some people have no clue how to joke sensitively (I'm afraid I sometimes fall into this category and people come back to me that I have insulted them when it's the farthest thing on my mind--totally without any malice or ill-intent whatsoever, I'm just being clueless, aka insensitive, aka naive, aka ignorant...).
Or sometimes people joke about things that are too painful in their own world as a way of dodging honesty or true intimacy in the moment---who knows what his weight loss may have triggered for her. Perhaps an abandonment issue? Worthiness issue? Loneliness? Any number of things.
In no way does any explanation detract from your keen and valid sense of hurt in the whole thing. I frankly hope to develop as keen a perception as yours to be able to know "what just happened" (I was just insulted!) and see it for what it is yet also identify "my part" (sadness at how age seems to be affecting me). Sounds extraordinarily healthy all the way around...because you also followed through with voicing to her how you felt about it.
One more thing, losing weight is such an enormous struggle and is a tremendous statement for your husband's character. Standing up for yourself and how you feel is a tremendous statement of your own character. Applause to you both.
> Hello, I posted this same question on the main board, but really need some comments from fellow 4s. It is about a perceived insult. It happened when an employee commented on my husband's 40 pound weight loss by telling me he looked really, really good and that I had better watch him because now some young girl might "steal" him from me. I don't know how she meant it to come across, but I considered it an insult to both me and my husband. I think it is an insult to me because it implies that as a middle-aged woman, I am no longer good enough or attractive enough to keep him. I think it is also an insult to him because it says he was not good looking when he was heavier and also, that he is immoral and shallow enough to dump me after 25 years of marriage because he lost weight. I completely trust my husband, that is honestly not the issue. I guess the real issue is that lately I am sad about looking older and don't like it shoved in my face. I haven't let myself go, I still weigh the same as when we got married, but age still does it's thing, no matter how I take care of myself. So I told her I considered it an insult, but she refused to admit that it could be perceived that way, and just kept saying that I should be happy I now have a handsome husband. Do you fellow 4s think I was overreacting?
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