Posted by stupid stupid girl (me) (220.127.116.11) on May 29, 2003 at 22:35:23:
Remember my 8 friend? The one most of you told me I needed to back off from and let the relationship go?
Tell me ... especially after that whole pile of "hopeless romantic" posts... what exactly is the deal here?
My 8 friend is wonderful and we have had a fabulous friendship. Then I began to EXPECT the damn thing to be the best thing--what I mean is, I expect that she would consider me her closest best friend...the chemistry was good, the everything was good...then I begin to panic...can't explain all that...
I pushed too hard. My therapist said I was pushing for clarity because of mixed messages (as always "it's complicated" comes to mind). And I have proven true the basic law of physics: What you push will move away from you.
She got in my face (I was --- God knows so stupid --- comparing our relationship with her relationship to a 5 that she has had since before I was on the planet) and said very clearly, directly, and with great force (but not yelling or screaming, just extraordinarily frustrated) "You and I will NEVER have what *XX* and I have together."
And of course, five hours later I realized I wish I'd said, "And you and *XX* will never have what you and I have."
But it's hard to be clear when your "best" friend is taking you down layer by layer. (I'm jealous, you see. It's true. But it sounds like such an accusation when she says it.)
There was another moment when she was trying to explain something to me and I repeated it back to her (somewhat interrupting her) and it was a NEGATIVE AGAINST ME and she got up, walked around the room pulling on her hair (I kid you not) and after a few seconds she bent down to me and said, "Is that what you perceive?" Which told me I'd misunderstood her... and then she walked out. I implored her to come back, not to walk off. So she walked back in up to my back left shoulder and said quietly to me, with both hands out..."This relationship does not make me feel healthy." And that was pretty much toward the end of it.
You are all priests, right? Hearing my confession?
This all happened Monday morning. Remember I live with this person. And it has been quite chilly since...She kept telling me how much space she needs.
So I have a question (or two). Everything in me wants to go back to her and apologize...except I'm not sure for what exactly. And because I know she believes that it will be empty...that in a few months we'll show down again. (This has roughly a 65 day cycle...this is the third time I've gone to her to "clarify" things...from her perspective, make mountains out of molehills.)
Basically what happened is I tried the approach the 5 tried on her and it backfired (she had written her a letter that suggested a distance in their relationship, a growing apart...but when I tried the same thing, God help me.). It cozied them up--I've never seen them so "close" and yet for me it caused this 8 to feel threatened, unsafe (she was so upset..."I don't know what you want from me")... and I remember (where was my memory before Monday) that 8s are terrified of being crucified by the people closest to them. Thankyousomuch.
I'm inclined to go back...to TALK it into being fixed. Since that doesn't seem to be working (hasn't been working) I'm trying to RECOGNIZE that and try a different approach. "Do nothing." It's killing me. I'm a verbal person, a writer, and mostly extroverted. She is a nonverbal, intuitive, INTROVERT. The fact that she engaged me at all tells me the relationship is important to her--all the while I'm insisting that she prove it, that she doesn't feel I'm important enough to expend her energy on (she is not in great health at the moment...).
I don't want to be controlling or pushy. I don't want to alienate her. Everything in me says this is all my fault...and so therefore shouldn't I be the one to fix it? And I feel as if I "fall in love" with someone like this and then I push it to this destruction. I can't just let things be wonderful, I have to INSIST the person I care about DEFINE it back for me EXACTLY. That I have to be the MOST IMPORTANT. I hate myself.
And God isn't much help at the moment either.
If you've lasted the story, I'm interested in any insights.
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