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Posted by Minbari ( on May 31, 2003 at 21:54:38:

In Reply to: Re: cj, how can I live in your words? posted by cj ( on May 31, 2003 at 08:48:01:

Your first reply was so very good--I wish I could put into words the feeling in my head when I read it. Basically, it snapped me out of it. Like grabbing a drowning kid--out of water, into real air. Total shift in my attitude. Like throwing a glass of cold water onto my face. I REALLY needed it (in the true sense of the word) and sincerely appreciate it. You "know" me better than you know me.

And then my reaction was that it was so simple and straight forward (your words) that actually living it (linear is always a problem) seems insurmountable.

Ideologically/philosophically I get it clearly...actually DOING it is so incredibly difficult--I'm one to FIX IT (immediately, and, of course, my way)...

You are right. Our (my 8 and me) only problem right now is that she wants space and I want presence. It's scary for me. And it's hard for me to believe that I can do intimacy and do it sustainingly and she really doesn't do it at all. Or in itsy bitsy drops here and there. The bittersweet thing is that I back off for a little while (I try so very hard) and then it's as if she gets to feeling guilty and sort of rewards me.... But geez, that's probably my negative/shame-based crap coming up again...why can't I see it as she appreciates the space and maybe wants to spend some time with me because I've given her the opportunity to meet me rather than feel pursued by me (which I don't think I do, but she perceives it that way).

Now I'm rambling.

In this response, I'm particularly grateful you gave an example of "evaluating priorities." And you are right right right that respect is the utmost important.

I find it interesting your mentioning that you are not a people-pleaser in the least.... I'm having difficulty with your jump. Are you saying you have to work harder at respect and mindfulness (basic courtesy) because you don't care what other people think/feel? Mmmmmm. Seems the very fact you hold respect so highly reflects you are genuinely concerned how other people feel...(so, just not about your specifically---you can therefore do what you sincerely believe is best/right without that "need" to prevent somebody's feeling bad toward you...?) Great quality, I think.

And so are you possibly meaning that when you don't care what someone thinks about you, but they are still important (close personal relationship) then it's relatively easy for you to back off, risking their rejection?

> I guess I sort of jumped into this situation without knowing that much about you, and so it is hard to fashion a good reply. I guess when I feel overly obsessed with a person or a situation I work very hard to consciously focus on calming myself and evaluating my priorities. If it is a close personal relationship that is at stake, I think respect is the most important factor...so I try and respect what it is that the other person wants. Giving another person space can be difficult, but if you really want to build the relationship in the longterm, showing good judgment and respecting the other person's wishes, even if they are contrary to what your selfish "needy" side is telling you, will benefit both of you in the end.

> In work situations I try and again, evaluate priorities (is my ego the priority? is maintaining a good relationship with someone at work the priority?) and then work through it that way. I do this because I have very little desire to impress people I don't respect, and I almost never worry enough what people will think of me...so I have to really intellectualize conflicts. I am not a "people pleaser" in any way, and have always prided myself for being utterly unlike everyone else, well, that doesn't serve one in the "real world" very well.

> Did this help or am I just rambling?

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