Posted by minbari (188.8.131.52) on June 02, 2003 at 21:43:47:
In Reply to: Re: interesting because posted by cj (184.108.40.206) on June 02, 2003 at 09:21:27:
cj, I know what you mean about LISTENING! I have had to return to my 8 (that isn't meant to sound possessive, only distinctive) and apologize for not really listening at times when she has expressed herself. It is so difficult for her sometimes to truly say what she's feeling. And so because I am full of words and expression, I sometimes miss what she is actually saying beneath her awkward communications at times.
I'm encouraged that it's possible to have a healthy relationship...that sounds stupid, but it's meant as a compliment...a pleasure at hearing you express the way you two interact.
And as much as I love my friend, the hardest thing for me to hear (which you've already nailed on the head) is that she is not interested in being my significant other... I am far more vested in the relationship than she is. You can see what a really great space I'm in at the moment to be able to report that without it completely taking me out and destroying me emotionally.
I'm hearing movement deep within myself that it may be time for me to move on...but the most difficult aspect is to consider leaving her. Leaving this period of my life and moving on is not distressing at all, though there are many graces and blessings here and now that I will grieve. But the part that holds me is not wanting to leave her. For her it will not be so profound. And perhaps that isn't fair to say it like that. In her way and to her own experience, perhaps she will grieve my going as a loss... I only know she is not as emotionally vested in me personally as I am in her...
What I hope to experience, observe and fulfill is the capacity to do things this time in a process of healing...my history is rather patterned by the compulsion to act immediately upon recognition: i.e., it's time to go? Then I'm packed and gone by sundown, so to speak. I want to break that part of the cycle by moving through this decision thoroughly and honestly and healthily...
It may take me another year...who knows. I want integrity and the integration of my true self in this moment and decision....
> Yeah, that sounded weird, I don't have to read his mind at all. He is really good about expressing what he wants and needs. I think I meant more when we were first dating, I had to really listen to him and allow him to have "outs"...Do you see what I am saying? I didn't want to put pressure on him. It is easier, probably, for me to do this because I was in a long-term relationship with a five (five years!) who had great difficulty being emotionally honest with me. His emotions would leak out in inappropriate ways, or I would have to detect or infer what he wanted, or his love for me. So my husband is really straightforward actually, maybe the hard thing for me, and pretty much everyone on the planet, was adjusting to actually LISTENING to him! Quieting down my own inner dialogues and listen to what he was saying. We do have a really healthy relationship and it is largely due to the fact that we are able to express our emotions, positive and negative, freely.
> My husband is more spoiled though, like most men, about getting his way. So I tend to martyr myself a bit, although I don't care as much as he does about getting mine. Don't get me wrong, if it important, I don't hesitate to stand firm. And he does really appreciate all that I do for him. I am a very lucky woman, because I have a man who is extremely emotional and expressive, but isn't like other four men I've known...who have been really manipulative and likely to pull you in, then push you away a thousand times until you are seasick. I think it really comes down to parenting. He has awesome, totally supportive parents who always allowed him to be himself, be different, be emotional, follow his gut feelings, make decisions, etc.
> > I'm not a people pleaser either. Which is why relationships like this feel so funny to me...when I feel like I mmmm can't think of the word...overcompensate? accommodate? overfunction? to please her. It has only just the minute I was waiting for the browser to clear that I had a sort of eureka...that I fall in love with someone who is the kind of person I think I want to be like? am gonna have to reflect on that one...
> > how is your relationship healthy when you have to read his mind in order to please him?
> > > I guess I wasn't very clear about that people pleasing thing. What I meant was that in conventional social settings or in work situations I am not the type of person to automatically cleave to other people's points of view, or try and initially figure out what people want from/of me in order to please them.
> > > In close personal relationships, especially with my husband (a 4/3, pretty demanding person in some ways) I am very much a person pleaser. But our relationship is very healthy, and I am more easy going than he is, so things work out better if I try and intuit what he wants and give it to him.
> > > Giving people space is a great character builder for you!! And me!! It teaches you self-reliance and self-control, and makes the relationship very rewarding.
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