Posted by minbari (184.108.40.206) on June 03, 2003 at 21:52:03:
In Reply to: Re: interesting because posted by cj (220.127.116.11) on June 03, 2003 at 08:56:34:
I enjoy your stories...appreciate what you have to say. What a life!
Today I realize I'm sort of hiding here. In this place. This community. I had no inkling of that or intention (conscious) of that when I came. I have invested my entire self here without reservation. I wanted to grow roots and relationships...and I see that I was never fully integrated (long story) and that there are so many reasons to go. And the one reason to stay is one-sided in its intensity. My friend loves me as best as she can. But that, and all these other things, are not enough to keep me here. I'm two days' drive from my sister and her family in one direction, and three days' drive from my folks in another direction. Why am I here? And I lost my job for the summer (I'm an adjunct instructor) and have no income and my therapist costs a great deal of money...so even that is going to have diminishing returns. I find a repulsion to looking for another job...my clue that I am hiding in this community...I realize that I believed (interesting, isn't it, how we have belief systems so out of reach of our consciousness until one day...poof! they rise to the surface!) that I could live in community and work here and not have to compete and fight and be in the frenzy of financial concern....
Now look who's rambling.
Although I have people I love here beyond the one, and beyond the community, and I might could (love the english) build a life here, if I leave the community/relationship, I would go to the east coast where I belong.
Very heavy feelings around all this. But I'm not drowning in them right now. It feels good (not to be drowning).
As you originally advised, I have backed off this friend... and today walking home, alone, I realized that if I'm going to be alone and by myself, I probably ought to be where I'm alone and by myself (sounds weird, and I can't explain it...). I also realized that some of the stupid stupid stupid things I've said to my friend weren't true. It's not just that I want to be with her (and that was expanded on to include several different examples that to her were crowding her) but that I want her to want to be with me. And this is territory we've already covered so I'll spare you. I'm slow but I'm getting there. She is my friend and she loves me. But she doesn't want to invest anything. And she'd rather be alone. She wants space, I want presence.
This isn't even a pity party. It's a moment of recognition. And it's sad. It's just sad. But I don't even actually feel it at the moment...
What I do feel is disappointed. And ambivalent. A little paralyzed.
But again, I ramble.
I guess I ought to submit this and shut up...for a minute or two :o)
If your therapist is half as good as mine...wow.
I admire your courage to leave your five ex and your life and start new...did those 1200 miles take you closer to "home"? And actually, in the long run, it doesn't sound to me (and I'm an expert after just one paragraph of information) like what you did was "wrong"... Philosophically I think we have things so screwed up--because it hurt like hell and was damned uncomfortable and took pieces of you away, it feels "wrong." But I believe that the longer run proves that it was all Right...you know what I mean? Degrees of pain may have been diminished with other choices...and yet, look at who and where you are precisely because of all your experiences and all you have loved--accepted and rejected (one never truly rejects, though?).... ?
> It was amazing to read your post, especially the part about being "gone by sundown"!! I mentioned my five ex, and when I finally got the courage to end the relationship after five long years of his emotional and verbal abuse, I packed my bags and left the state within three weeks. I left him and my home and friends of seven years and moved 1200 miles away just because our relationship ended. Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face. I pretty much did everything possible WRONG through that process (got involved in a rebound relationship pretty much immediately after breaking up with the ex, with a completely toxic four who is seven years younger than me! He ripped my heart to shreds! Never trust a poet!) and had so many regrets. Most especially leaving the place I truly loved and felt most home. Ug. It still hurts to think about and it will be four years since I left there this summer.
> Oh well, many wonderful things have happened since! Not the least of which was hitting my own personal rock-bottom and finally getting into therapy (after toxic four dumped me on my 30th birthday after I'd flown him out to spend the millenium New Year's with me, did I mention that poets are treacherous?) which was one of the greatest things to ever happen to me in my life!!
> Sorry, I'm really rambling now.
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