Posted by guy (126.96.36.199) on June 10, 2003 at 12:47:21:
Please forgive me as I self-indulgently rant here for a second...
brief outline: new to list, number four, recent art school grad, jobless, $45000 in debt, scattered unfocused an emotional yo-yo
ANyways, this is my great realization: I constantly go from splurging on booze to renouncing booze. I wake up hungover, depressed, regretful, ashamed all of the time and swear I will never drink again. I don't drink for several days, feeling firm in my convictions that I don't need to drink. Instead, I meditate, read, write, and feel pretty strong. But, like last night, I get this kind of restless boredom and I have to go out and get pissed! this morning I understood that I am in this cycle, which I've perpetuated for about ten years now, because the opposite extremes give me a sense of drama to which I've become attached. I really think it's a number Four thing: to basically cultivate an ongoing melodrama that is sure to give the Number Four an array of heavy emotions and feelings and create a sense of self for the person so he/she feels like a substantial being. The old habit of perpetuating feelings and drama so that the Number Four can feel REAL.
DOes any one relate with this, this habit of indulging in extreme opposites? I kind of think of it now as unconsciously shaking my life up and down like a carbonated beverage so that it never loses it's fizz...
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