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Margaret 4 months ago
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Margaret 4 months ago

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Posted by raz62 ( on June 12, 2003 at 10:33:29:

> Worked today and yesterday. Got put in a nice hotel with a gym, jacuzzi, live dancing and singing entertainment stage show. People here are nice, less intense pressure and more normal hours, too. Think it will improve my quality of living in general, now I will have time to work on building more quality weekends, make new friends, and actually have time to rest and have for myself for once, the pace being much slower. Rent here is also not as outrageous as up there. Maybe I was meant to be here afterall. I am in the burbs, further west and up north are mountainous places I look forward to exploring this summer.

> Meanwhile, I am just going to keep looking at the positives and just keep my chin up. I don't think it will be so bad afterall. I wish I was not such a real jerk sometimes, I wish I didn't pre-judge like that. I just got so crabby and cranky from the long hours, high stress, and lack of sleep, and no chance for rest or to catch my breath, I couldn't take it anymore, I needed to get out of that somehow. And now I think I have, I think. Hopefully here may reduce significantly, if not end altogether, all of that source of stess. It just got to be too much and too intense up there.
> So far, here, it looks like the workload is slower and lighter, which is much more relief and lighter stress load I was looking for in the long run.
> Although, with that in mind, hopefully it's not too slow and light, else our office will fold, and then I'd be out of luck all over again and I definitely do not want to go through relocating all over again. I am tired of doing that. I jsut want to get my next apt and *stay put* for now on. I am not leaving this area. I am too tired to relocate again.

> Besides, I never had time to go to the lake up there working those crazy hours anyway, so I would have never been able to enjoy it even if I was still there, so the idea of "moving away from a dream" I never could have lived or had time to enjoy in real life never made much sense afterall.

> No, here is much better. Instead of senselessly dreaming I am close to someplace I would never had in real life, I am going to find sompleace in real life to enjoy right now, and that I believ ican actually do here. Aside from having concern if the office will last (doesn't seem to be producing much), I will at least have even more experience on my resume, and I will still keep an eye out for other offices who are producing, say if it does fold, but for now, let's just hope it doesn't, hopefully it will at least stay put for a while that is.
> I will find a new apt around here start looking tommorrow.

> I am also concerned about what I did to my friend who is now east instead of south of me last weekend. I acted like such a jerk. It's so frustrating when I mess up like that. I hope I haven't been written off for good. I still want to have a chance. I just need a little more time to get a grip on reducing the stressload in my life, that's all. And as soon as I get an apt here, and get my stuff together and moved in, I'll be stable, finally. And then at that point finally ready enough to be emotionally reliable to start a relationship with.
> I know the stressload in my life has not made me reliable emotionally, it also had direct affect in that way. However, given time, this move I am making now, I feel more certain about, will reduce my stress load, thereby have a direct affect on increasing my emotional reliability. Thereby, will make it more appealing to be in a relationship with me.
> And this is what I've been wanting to do for a long time.
> Get stablized.
> Be stable.
> And live in peace finally.
> With family and friends.

Now what went wrong over the past four months? I am interested because I want to learn how our expectations often cause future disillusionment and unhappiness.

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