Posted by Margaret (188.8.131.52) on June 20, 2003 at 00:43:04:
With no brains, no common sense, no intelligence, education, knowledge, experience, skills, here I am thinking 'passion' alone can help me acheive my goals. Yeah, right, says my mother once again. I am here till Sunday at my folks, and here my mother is again once again informing me how incompetent, incapable, and how much a failure I have been and most likely always will be and how there is no hope for me, never has been, and most likely never will be. On top of that she says I still have mental problems.
I guess you can say, it makes me feel bad having her tell this to me my whole life. And I am 34 yeras old, and she is still telling me how much a loser I am, and how I have no life.
Dang, why is she always telling me this? Still? I move away from her because my existence humiliates her. But, that's not good enough. She still feels the humiliation. My moving far never cahnged anything.
She is still telling me I am such a huge loser and such an embarrassment, that I have no hope to ever change, taht I will never become a real person in life and I will never amount to anything nor ever mean anything. Why?
Why does she still think this? Why?
I tell her it makes me feel bad when she says that to me, and she responds, "but all I'm doing is just telling you the truth."
I say, " but it makes me feel bad, you telling me I'm a loser", and she say's "but it's the truth, I'm jsut telling you the truth".
Why? Why? Why does she keep saying this to me. No matter what I do, she keeps telling me how much a loser I am? She knows it hurts me, but she insists on telling me the truth, even though it hurts.
I never knew why. I never knew why she always thought this an still does. Why? What can I do? How can I get out of this? How can I get out of being so worthless and loser to her? I'm so tired of being so worthless and embarrassing to her?I don't know how to stop it. Everything I do, it never works. I want to give up.
I don't even want to believe her anymore. She used to throw me in mental institutions all the time all the way up to age 29, she would call the police on me, I would be sitting there reading a book, and she would have them come inside and 'surprise' me, chain and handcuff me head to toe, take me out in front of all the neighbors outside and take me to the mental ward, saying I was 'mental', 'something was wrong with me, and I needed to get it fixed'. Nobody, the doctors, never knew why, they would ask me why did she put me here, why am I here, waht was it that wrong with me, I would say, "I don't know, she won't tell me."
I still don't know I still dont know why she thinks I am such a loser and hopeleses, why I still have no life, why I am not a real person. I still don't know. She is still thinks I am still the same, I haven't changed, and I still don't know why I am all these things.
I don't know. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't I really dont.
I'm so tired of this. I get so sad and down hearing this all the time. Even still. After moving far wawy, living far, never coming back to visit but 2 times a year. Yet, I haven't cahnged a bit, she says. Why? What can I do? I don't know anymore. I really don't. But I do know one thing, taht these things were always painful for me to hear. They still are.
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