Posted by Tiffany (188.8.131.52) on June 20, 2003 at 13:33:15:
Hey! I've only read a few posts from Margret, but maybe I have been through more pain maybe not...I am leaning a bit more to maybe. But I can feel your pain. I too have grown up ( though I am still at a very young age) being told I was worthless, and ugly, ect..... Well thank God I am away from the person that use to do such horrid things to me!! But you, you are still in the hell hole. I am sure you drown in other peoples self-pitty....but I too as a # 4 sometimes like the pity.....I am pretty melodramatic....I somehow enjoy pain.....? It makes me scared sometimes that I enjoy it. Not that I get a high fun rush feeling from it.....I enjoy it to a point that it will cause me to be who I really am later on.....a bi-polar, self abused, low confidence, obsessed person that I truely am......I have gone through a great deal of pain in my short 15 years...I'll name some of the pain I have experienced
1. My dad got thrown into jail when I was very young...I don't really know my real father
2. We had all of our possession stolen at a time when we were in great debt.
3. I saw my mom get hit, screamed, and yelled at for a few months ( it stopped shortly after)
4. My mother and father seperated and we had to live in a three bedroom trailer with 6 other people ( not bad...but...)
5. I got tormented at school, I was called anerexic, a whore, a slut ( I am not anerexic and I have yet to have my first kiss)
6. We moved back with my father. He was very cold in a loving way to us. His kisses felt hollow.....his eyes saw right through us.
7. Family problems came up again, yelling, screaming, hitting... and me my mom and my brother decided to leave secretly one day.... he caught us in the act, my mother almost was seriously injured in her fight with our dad. We called 911 three times that day.....
8. We moved in with my grandfather...it was a log cabin type of house with one bathroom one bedroom and 6 people living in a very small place. I slept on the floor on a boxspring in a corner of my grandfathers room.
9. My grandfather was an extremely heavy drinker and he abused me, my mom, my brother, and my step-grandmother.
10. My step-grandmother HATED me...she would make up things and get me into horrible situations that I couldn't get myself out of.
11. besides being called horrible names.....I was only hit a few times ( luckily...it was a few I still that God that I didn't get beaten to death)
12. A horrible day that plays in my mind a million times every hour....it digs a black hole in my heart....I was sexually molested by my grandfather.....I could've been raped...if I wouldn't have run away......
13. On day...our house burnt down...very tramatic!
14. We had to move back with our step-father
15. My dog died.....if anyone has loved a pet...and knows that it is there not just phyically but emotionally for you..would know how ABSOLUTELY devistating that could be to a person.
16. I became a bipolar...has thoughts of suicide even on the brightest, sunniest, happiest days....
17. My father called me horrible names, a slut, a whore, I would never amount to anything, I would grow up and be a failure....( sounds kinda the same huh)
18. I slid a knife across my writsts....I am still here...so I didn't die as you see.
19. The pain became to great...the depression cause my heart to be to cold....so I warmed it up by burning myself with matches.
20. Later on....my depression got worse...I had friends...I laughed...but my laughter was hollow...my pain was great...and I began to self-mutilate.....I did it everytime something would happen. I didn't care where it was I did it! It was an addictive drug I needed...I did it in school by, by the computer, in my room...I would have rubber bands on my writsts and would pop them till the became numb from pain....
21. My (good) grandfather died......I loved him very much...and I had just began to see him again.
22. And I just found out that I will be moving from the first place I could ever call home.....I've moved 12 or more times.....my dad isn't in the military...he is some big guy in the car selling business....so people want him to work for them alot......
23. OH YEAH! I FORGOT! My brother has gotten heavily into drugs....he is breaking my family apart limb by limb...now he might go to jail for 5 years for doing something that wasn't his fault. He tried to pawn some bow and arrows he baught from some guy and they turned out to be stolen.....
24. I feel really alone all of the time too.......My father still speads his hollow love mearily....me and my mother use to fight like crazy until she found out what my grandfather did to me.....well I found out he use to rape my mom,and 2 uncles till they were 12 , 14, and 16.... and I am going to court for the molestation....I don't want to go to court...the sight of that man makes my heart turn cold....my soul hurt....my mind become black.......
Well...yes in my 15 years thats happened.....haha...well...life can't get to much worse now can it...I am getting better in the depression.....my wounds are healing...I have starting licking my wounds finally....instead of just stareing at picking at them....well just though I'd share my little story...thx for reading! Bye Bye now!
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