Posted by Justin (220.127.116.11) on June 22, 2003 at 12:14:50:
It becomes so apparent to me sometimes (times like now), that I am destined to be lonely in life. I don't think it's my type (type 4?), but just me. I wonder how you guys relate to me? Am I the only lonely one out here, or is this world just filled with people who are, but just grab whatever feels most real to them and closest to them, and try and not feel lonely?
You know, there are so many thoughts in me, but they just come in and out so quickly, that I just can't seem to type everything out in time, and sometimes, when I don't type them out, or take the liberty of thinking of typing them out on Word before I paste them here (so I don't loose my work if I loose my connection to the internet), I just ended up not voicing anything after all... because I just forget. (Yes emoot, that's what happened last time, I had replied your post 80% on Word, but then, just lost the kick due to whatever else that creeped up in my life). Sometimes, I feel bad when I don't reply to people like emoot, it's like people take the trouble to reply to my problems, and when I am done with my emotional down, I forget about them. Same goes for everyone who replied to me last time, sorry I didn't followup on our conversations.
So? What am I bragging about? About my life, I guess. But why here? I don't know. Maybe it's because I don't blog, and maybe out of self pity, I want some kind attention. Or maybe- I just feel that through experience, I have come to really relate to people in here (well, in here as in 4s, though I've met occasional kind non 4s).
Come to think of it, should 4s get 4s as their life partners? And what constitutes a good partner for a 4?
About a bit of me (sorry, I know my brag is not making logical flowing sense or structure... but it's just me, I just want to put down whatever verbalises in front of me first... elsewise... I just know that I will loose it, it's at times as such that I freaking hoped someone would have just invented a bloody machine that could tap on to my thoughts and put everything out *sigh*).
Anyway.. about me. Justin. It's my real name. So call me by that if any living soul'd like to follow-up on this- I suspect emoot would. :) Guy- I am. I'm doing my 4th year of studies in Psychology (not an unexpected field of studies for a 4, I suspet) in a foreign land, where it is much less conservative from where I was brought up in). (man... all this secrecy... I think I am trying to stay anonymous just in case I start to share about more dark secrets. Ha-ha)
So why am I lonely? I wonder why very often too. Is it because I am just not up to the game of humans? I used to be really active in church, and one of my friend, a pastor whom I still keep in touch with, always claimed that I am just a very complicated person. He can never give me much advise but would always just say- "Justin, don't ask me, I cannot advise you because I have nothing to compare you to, I have never met anyone like Justin and hence there is no benchmark for comparison by me...". I guess to some extent, I enjoyed being special, but I guess the sad fact is, I can never find my truth.
I remember the first time I got my results, when I read a 4's description, I nearly wept, for no living person had ever described me any better than this page did. For sometime, it gave me some self-actualisation, and I wished I had the resources to followup on these materials. I am surprised that the 9 types is not a common thing in the field of Social Psychology. Of all these years of studies, I have but come across the mention of it only once, and that was it. What a pity. If any of you know the Myers Briggs Type Indicator, it's a shame that people believe in that more than they do the 9 types here. Because true enough, there has not even been one bloody study that has taken place to examine the validity of that bloody thing, and you expect four letters to fully describe a person? Yeah.... right...
23 years of life on earth, and the topic of loneliness has passed before me so many times. It's funny how I have never tried to commit suicide, maybe it's God's grace?
So how do you guys past your time? Please do not tell me this is all you've got, alright? You'd be my best friend then.
Actually, befor eI decided to type here, a few people passed my mind, but I just thought that no one really wants to listen to my shit. I mean, some may, but it's either not the right time... or I guess, I just feel that others just share a different lifestyle from mine which will not allow them to metor me all the way. Take for instance this new found friend of mine which I have noticed he shares the same personality traits as me (if my guess is right, he'd be a 4 of some form). We see things in the same way (like things I have mentioned about the church to emoot before), but the only problem is, he's studying with me full time and he's also working and has a wife and kid. With all due respect, I know he'd had a minute or two for me, but why bother? It's at times liek this that it feels like I need a companion, a partner. Which I have. But we are in a long distance relationship... and things just don't seem to fit. Ask me why I am still in it? I don't really know either. Maybe it's just because we've had mutual attraction towards each another for 5 years but no one voiced it out and when we finally did... it's just hard to part (the relationship's will have been going for a year come another 4 weeks).
So friends, comrades... do you guys brag like me about life? Am I just a spoilt kid who just doesn't treasure what I have? Expecting always more? I always used to say naively- "I wished I could trade whatever I DO have, for more emotions, more care, from mum and dad..." I still wish the same...
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