Posted by emoot(: (184.108.40.206) on June 23, 2003 at 11:36:41:
In Reply to: My Life (and also an apology to emoot & others) posted by Justin (220.127.116.11) on June 22, 2003 at 12:14:50:
=Yes, I'll be glad to respond. I thought you did pretty good in responding to those posts awhile back. My feelings didn't get hurt at all because y'know when I write those big long posts....it's usually on a topic that I need to get sorted out in my own mind and it helps me to write it all down. You gave me that opportunity and that was enough for me. I feel like it helped me. (:
Plus, I know exactly how it feels to write a bunch of stuff and then lose it..... I do that all the time.
> You know, there are so many thoughts in me, but they just come in and out so quickly, that I just can't seem to type everything out in time, and sometimes, when I don't type them out, or take the liberty of thinking of typing them out on Word before I paste them here (so I don't loose my work if I loose my connection to the internet), I just ended up not voicing anything after all... because I just forget. (Yes emoot, that's what happened last time, I had replied your post 80% on Word, but then, just lost the kick due to whatever else that creeped up in my life). Sometimes, I feel bad when I don't reply to people like emoot, it's like people take the trouble to reply to my problems, and when I am done with my emotional down, I forget about them. Same goes for everyone who replied to me last time, sorry I didn't followup on our conversations.
= I understand the divergent thinking thing, too. If something is not right in front of me I will forget about it.... I have a letter that I have been meaning to send for the past two weeks but it was moved into the guest room and I never go in there....so it has not been sent yet...I will think about it for two seconds and then "poof" it is gone. I'd better get it down to today, now that I've mentioned it. (:
> Anyway.. about me. Justin. It's my real name. So call me by that if any living soul'd like to follow-up on this- I suspect emoot would. :) Guy- I am. I'm doing my 4th year of studies in Psychology (not an unexpected field of studies for a 4, I suspet) in a foreign land, where it is much less conservative from where I was brought up in). (man... all this secrecy... I think I am trying to stay anonymous just in case I start to share about more dark secrets. Ha-ha)
I like psychology......as a matter of fact, I was very close to majoring in it during college. I was divided between Art and Psych. I chose Art(graphic design) because I thought I would be able to get a job out of school easier. I still have pangs of wanting to be a counselor though. But, I am doing something now that kind of fits that slot on a volunteer level.... I am helping people get through some tough problems in a Christian based 12-step/study.
> So why am I lonely? I wonder why very often too. Is it because I am just not up to the game of humans? I used to be really active in church, and one of my friend, a pastor whom I still keep in touch with, always claimed that I am just a very complicated person. He can never give me much advise but would always just say- "Justin, don't ask me, I cannot advise you because I have nothing to compare you to, I have never met anyone like Justin and hence there is no benchmark for comparison by me...". I guess to some extent, I enjoyed being special, but I guess the sad fact is, I can never find my truth.
= It takes a lot of work to find truth. Especially the truth about yourself.
I have found mine...... I still like to understand as much as possible about myself but I finally know who I am(the good, the bad and the ugly parts of myself)... and I accept myself because , you know, God accepts me in light of all my good points and my faults. As long as God accepts me, there's no point in worrying about what the rest of the world thinks. That is the only way that it has managed to work for me....
> I remember the first time I got my results, when I read a 4's description, I nearly wept, for no living person had ever described me any better than this page did. For sometime, it gave me some self-actualisation, and I wished I had the resources to followup on these materials. I am surprised that the 9 types is not a common thing in the field of Social Psychology. Of all these years of studies, I have but come across the mention of it only once, and that was it. What a pity. If any of you know the Myers Briggs Type Indicator, it's a shame that people believe in that more than they do the 9 types here. Because true enough, there has not even been one bloody study that has taken place to examine the validity of that bloody thing, and you expect four letters to fully describe a person? Yeah.... right...
> 23 years of life on earth, and the topic of loneliness has passed before me so many times. It's funny how I have never tried to commit suicide, maybe it's God's grace?
I'd say it's God's grace... because I almost bought it in a car accident several years ago... a car switched lanes and didn't see me and ran me off the road into oncoming rush hour traffic on a major interstate hwy.... life literally flashed before my eyes and I thought it was my day to check out. I hit a Ford Bronco and my entire car (a Saturn two-door) was demolished except for the drivers seat and part of the front engine...the side and back of my car were completely gone. Me, however.....nothing but a couple bruises and some scratches. Oddly I was working for a TV station at the time and I got the wreck footage from the station on video.....it's pretty interesting to look at it and know that surviving that could not have been anything but Divine intervention. After that, the question of purpose in my life was ever more magnified....
> So how do you guys past your time? Please do not tell me this is all you've got, alright? You'd be my best friend then.
=Hanging out with my 6w5 hubby and my two dogs... Doing my art business, volunteering, reading, exercising, socializing with my close friends–finally I have some.
> Actually, befor eI decided to type here, a few people passed my mind, but I just thought that no one really wants to listen to my shit. I mean, some may, but it's either not the right time... or I guess, I just feel that others just share a different lifestyle from mine which will not allow them to metor me all the way. Take for instance this new found friend of mine which I have noticed he shares the same personality traits as me (if my guess is right, he'd be a 4 of some form). We see things in the same way (like things I have mentioned about the church to emoot before), but the only problem is, he's studying with me full time and he's also working and has a wife and kid. With all due respect, I know he'd had a minute or two for me, but why bother? It's at times liek this that it feels like I need a companion, a partner. Which I have. But we are in a long distance relationship... and things just don't seem to fit. Ask me why I am still in it? I don't really know either. Maybe it's just because we've had mutual attraction towards each another for 5 years but no one voiced it out and when we finally did... it's just hard to part (the relationship's will have been going for a year come another 4 weeks).
> So friends, comrades... do you guys brag like me about life? Am I just a spoilt kid who just doesn't treasure what I have? Expecting always more? I always used to say naively- "I wished I could trade whatever I DO have, for more emotions, more care, from mum and dad..." I still wish the same...
> I wished...
= I still think you are very close to solving some of your questions.
Heck, you seem to know a great deal at 23..... I don't know what was going on with me at 23 but I know I was full of wonder and hope...I made some mistakes but .....as always I learned well from them.
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