Posted by Lakhesis (188.8.131.52) on July 10, 2003 at 19:48:02:
In Reply to: On a Positive Note . . . posted by The4Blob (184.108.40.206) on July 10, 2003 at 11:52:30:
Actually, I must confess, I already ignored the job rantings and ravings! (Hee hee...)
Your insight that 4's can tend to express negativity which bores and/or repels people is very interesting, especially since it's borne out of a desire to be loved and understood. I have a building theory that one of our worst traits, as 4's, is self sabotage- doing the exact thing that will push away the very thing that we want. This dynamic no doubt influences our sense that we are somehow defective, or worse off than other people- alot of the time we simply cannot see that we are the cause!
I'll relate a very personal but perfect example of this kind of behaviour: I was travelling in New Zealand at the beginning of this year for 5 weeks, and I met an English guy who, over this time, I fell head over heels in love with. Travelling together led to a steady, slow, sweet and building intimacy, that was made even sweeter by the knowledge that he was coming back to Sydney, Australia (where I'm from)indefinately. Anyway, so things started to shift once we got back to Australia- there was a much more definite romantic vibe between us, which seemed to build to a certain climax and then just dismally fall apart. I was totally confused and upset about this, and have spent a long time blaming him for this and convincing myself that it was totally his fault.
What I realised, and this has partially to do with being a 4, was that I actually caused the relationship to crumble. My behaviour must have been so bizarre and confusing for him!!! Essentially, once we hit a certain level of emotional intimacy, I would say or do something really stupid and inappropriate in order to push him away. There was something in my core that cried out to him: 'So, you think you like me, do you? Well... Here's about a million reasons WHY YOU SHOULDN'T.' Terrifying that I have reached this level of emotional dysfunction. Again, the dynamic was one of pushing away the very thing that I wanted the most.
The only thing that a 4 wants to hear in their life is 'I love you', and yet it is the very thing that they cannot bring themselves to believe once this is said to them. I'm now aware that this is intrinsically linked to our notion that we are defective. It's like a catch 22: because we need almost constant reassurance in order to feel loved, and very rarely get this, our sense of being defective grows- what we do is create a certain self-talk that convinces us to think of reasons WHY our yearning for love is not being fulfilled. Our belief systems start to fill with negativity: I am unlovable because I am fat/ugly/repellant/negative/awkward etc... Once this belief system is founded, it becomes almost impossible to believe the words 'I love you'- we've convinced ourselves for all this time that we're not!
I think the ultimate goal for a 4 is to unlock and change these beliefs. While I wish that I could explain all of this to the guy that I fell for, it is most probably futile, and wise to restrain, at least for the meantime. It could very easily be misunderstood. The challenge for me now is to start to unravel this newfound information and challenge these beliefs.
I've found a couple of books have been very useful for this: Deepak Chopra's 'The Path To Love' is a great reminder that we are nothing BUT loveable, Iyanla Vanzant's 'In The Meantime' is full of treasures of self-love, and any works on the shadow self are useful for us: in particular I've found Robert A. Johnson's book 'Owning Your Own Shadow' to be incredibly illuminating.
I am a 4, and this simply clarifies and brings together information I have been aware of for some time in a way that feels more tangible and graspable.
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