Posted by Lakhesis (188.8.131.52) on July 11, 2003 at 00:00:57:
In Reply to: Anyone else long for perfect physical beauty posted by Rose (184.108.40.206) on June 30, 2003 at 23:26:15:
Here's an interesting anecdote in regards to this matter that I think illustrates my 'Fourness' perfectly:
I was at my Mum's place the other night, and she asked me to go through old photos and throw out duplicates- she's moving house and streamlining. So I did. I came across some photographs of myself as a teenager- boy was I surprised! I was all braces and bad, acne ridden,greasy skin and really quite overweight- very unattractive! I felt real compassion for myself back then- I was at the mercy of alot of teasing from my two apparent 'best friends' at the time, my parents were splitting up and I felt very hurt and neglected, I had the most huge, heartbreaking crush on a guy that I knew would never like me, etc... In no way was I receiving the love that I so needed at the time! (I think this is the case for SO many teenagers- it just kills me.)
I realised that I'd done alot of covering up of that hurt teenager, and that was thetime that I'd really started to formulate the belief that I was
unlovable. It's when I started to get obsessed about my looks and about
food- if only I could be skinny, if only my skin would clear up, etc... I
would be lovable and get the attention I so needed. I remembered my
diaries from back then- these obsessive pages about how horrible I was,
how ugly and repellant, etc... I was essentially writing out affirmations
to form a negative belief system! I made myself believe that the reason I
wasn't attractive or getting the love I so needed was because of physical
reasons- I was repulsive. All of this was backed up by my horrid
relationship with my first boyfriend, who often made awful, awful comments about my physical being.
The flipside of this becomes evident now, in my relationships with men.
After all those years of affirming that physical attractiveness was the
only way I could possibly get love, I now, at a deep, subconscious level,
believe this to be true. The irony is that now I actually AM the
attractive person that I'd always hoped I would be back then (thanks to yoga, swimming and organic food!)Unfortunately, I've forgotten, on that deep level, that physicality is essentially nothing- love is about soul and spirit and connection and intimacy. (What is really amazing is that when I briefly got back together with my first boyfriend a couple of years ago, he virtually told me he loved me as soon as he visually drank in my physical self in contrast to what I looked like back then. This, I realise now, REALLY affirmed on that core level that my physical self was all that mattered in regards to love.) I had been hiding behind this ugly physical facade, counting all the reasons why I must be unlovable for so long that everything else (ie. the important stuff) paled in comparison.
Now, I rely upon my new-found physical self to attract men, and I absolutely freeze up when the relationship moves past the attraction phase and deepens- I can't accept that I'm lovable, or even likable. This is why I keep falling for unavailable men- it's a way of avoiding the intimacy issue entirely.
I'm not sure what the lesson is here: maybe it's that it's very easy for a Four, in our self-depricating way, to fantasise that life would be perfect if only we were more attractive physically. What we must remember is that it is our spirit and soul that hold the keys to our happiness, not the way we look on the outside.
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