Posted by Val (220.127.116.11) on July 14, 2003 at 21:14:47:
In Reply to: An example... posted by Lakhesis (18.104.22.168) on July 10, 2003 at 19:48:02:
> What I realised, and this has partially to do with being a 4, was that I actually caused the relationship to crumble. My behaviour must have been so bizarre and confusing for him!!! Essentially, once we hit a certain level of emotional intimacy, I would say or do something really stupid and inappropriate in order to push him away. There was something in my core that cried out to him: 'So, you think you like me, do you? Well... Here's about a million reasons WHY YOU SHOULDN'T.' Terrifying that I have reached this level of emotional dysfunction. Again, the dynamic was one of pushing away the very thing that I wanted the most.
> The only thing that a 4 wants to hear in their life is 'I love you', and yet it is the very thing that they cannot bring themselves to believe once this is said to them. I'm now aware that this is intrinsically linked to our notion that we are defective. It's like a catch 22: because we need almost constant reassurance in order to feel loved, and very rarely get this, our sense of being defective grows- what we do is create a certain self-talk that convinces us to think of reasons WHY our yearning for love is not being fulfilled. Our belief systems start to fill with negativity: I am unlovable because I am fat/ugly/repellant/negative/awkward etc... Once this belief system is founded, it becomes almost impossible to believe the words 'I love you'- we've convinced ourselves for all this time that we're not!
> I think the ultimate goal for a 4 is to unlock and change these beliefs. While I wish that I could explain all of this to the guy that I fell for, it is most probably futile, and wise to restrain, at least for the meantime. It could very easily be misunderstood. The challenge for me now is to start to unravel this newfound information and challenge these beliefs.
Right on, right on, girlfriend. :)
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