Posted by Margaret (220.127.116.11) on July 19, 2003 at 14:39:49:
I am tired of feeling guilt trips. I had plans today to go to a rodeo and then spend the weekend including Monday to go to Bald Eagle Park and Raystown Lake, just to get away and do what I want. But I have so many concerns on my mind, I haven't been able to motivate myself to go yet.
Mostly I feel discomforted by the fact that last month I bumped into an old friend of mine who at one time was my best friend. I ended up telling her I didn't want to be friends anymore and it's been over ten years since we last talked. Now she said to give her a call when I come back this Labor day weekend. I said okay. But the truth is I feel uncomfortable.
Here she is married with three kids successful career, nice home, etc, etc, and here I am no relationship, no kids, no big ticket item ownership, no successful career history, no accomplishments or achievements to show for these past 15 years. So basically, I feel stupid, not comfortable. And here I am, running around, jobless again, living in a tiny rented one room studio with no furniture, no marriage, no kids, no relationship, etc, here she (and our other former friends) are all married, kids, homes, careers, etc, and I'm supposed to go back to hang out with my high school friends just like it was the old days and nothing happened since?
HOw the world am I supposed to do something like this? SHe even asked me what's been going on. How come I've been moving around so much? What am I supposed to do ? Tell her I've never held a job longer than 10 months (before this year it was only 6 months) my entire life and most the time not only have been "in between" jobs, but all low paying, mostly temp clerical jobs, or driving, deliverying pizza, low status. All low level things. And nothing to show for it. Does anyone know how I feel about this?
How the world am I supposed to go to people who have lived total and complete different lives than me?
I don't want to go see her.
I don't want to see any of them (my former friends).
Sure, we had good memories, good times. But that was then, this is now. And I cannot tell them the truth of how much I turned out to be,well, I don't like to use this word, but I really don't know what other word to use - a failure - since then.
It's bad enough my familiy, the cousins my age are all getting together this year LAbor day weekend, and I too, and here they are successful marriages, babies, wealthy paying careers, fancy homes, fancy cars, etc, and here I am , they don't even ask me how I'm doing anymore, because they know they'll get the same lame embarrasing how-can-I-weasel-my-way-out-of-this-this-time answer because I don't want to advertise how 'unaccomplihsed' I really am. Then during the wedding last month the younger generation cousins, who are all currently going to Harvard, Dartmouth, etc, one after learning I moved to PA is going to UPenn law school and said when he goes there next year we should get together. I said cheerfully sure, thinking "yeah, right, and do what, show you how poverty-stricken, low-status, unsuccessful, unaccomplished, and empty my life is?"
So anyway, I guess you can all see, how bad I really need to find this rural place in live there permanently where no one can find me, because I don't want to have to constantly feel embarrased all the time.
This rural home in the middle of no where seems to be my last resort. My last option of achieving peace of mind.
I don't want to feel like I have to "hide" my history of inaccomplishment for the rest of my life. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of having to hide my low status all the time.It's bad enough I have to be verbally reminded by some, let alone, by anyone else.
I don't know why, how everyone in my family (and my previous friendships) eneded up so successful and so better off, and I, solely, ended up the opposite. I don't know. I 've often thought one way out of this was to just get married to somoene really wealthy and that would at least knock off, the successful marrige, kids, home, car, financially well off part. Actaully that would really cover everything really. Cause it is acceptable and also done with my aunt and uncle generation, none of my aunts worked, they all married to money. Although this generation I am in, maybe it would still work too, although maybe not as greatly, because there is pressure for this generation of women to perform well career wise too, although not as much. I don't know. Actually it would work, really. The only problem is I would have to find someone that would want to marry me who do that, and that is a big problem, because I really have no idea what would attract someone like that to me. I know I don't have looks or body or brains or financial succes myself, or any special talent or anything to "advertise" myself with, so that is why I have not been advertising or looking because I still can't think of anything to advertise with. So that leaves me with thinking that me getting a relatiohsip with someone is not possible.
So after that option gets knocked out, (unless I can develop some kind of skill or attribute to attract someone with - which I have no idea what that could be), I am left with only wanting to go away from everyone and anyone who reminds me of my lack of achievement. Which is why moving somewhere rural is critical to my peace of mind.
Unless I can get some kind of success somehow. Which is why I came to the east coast, I was hoping that I could find some of that here. But after having exhasuted that option and gotten nowhere, I tried the other option, that is, I contacted some lady who specializes in finding wealthy bachelors. She contacted me back saying she had someone to introduce me to, but I ended up blowing her off, because I had no idea what would I say to him if I were to meet him? What would I say? "Hi, gee, I'm not attractive or accomplished and don't really have anything to show for these past 15 years, do you want to marry me so I can at least have a way to make up for that?" I mean how do you say this to someone and get them to say "okay, sounds good to me, let's go"? I mean, it's got to be real.
And even if I really do like someone, actually I do like someone, I have liked this guy for 5 years. But I still feel the same way with him a lot of times. I dont know how to get him to like me either. I dont know how to get anyone to like me. The only thing I can think of is to go away some where and maybe develop some kind of skill and success in it somehow and then after I have something to show for, I could use that as something to attract someone with. But who knows how long that would take? What if it takes the rest of mylife? I mean that's actually what I 've been trying to do with my job life this whole time and look at how I still got not really anywhere far enough to impress someone with? That's why I have never had a realtionship with anyone these past 10 years, because I never developed anything impressive enough to attract one with.
I guess the only thing I could do at this point is to toss the towel in and give up. Just find someone who is also not successful and not accomplished and not attractive, someone who is simliar situation as me. And then I wouldn't have to worry about not having anything to attract one with. Because they wouln'dt have anything either.
The problem here however is, I don't want someone like this, I don't want someone the same status as me, because I don't want to feel embarrased by this person. I have family and former friends that all have a certain level of status and I need someone who would be acceptable in their eyes, otherwise I would not be able to ever be seen with them.
So, now, I'm kind of stuck. I'm not sure where to go or what to do at this point. Has anyone else (4s or other) ever struggled with not-high status and trying to figure out a way to live with it? What things have you done to live with it and make your life easier? Is moving someplace where there is less people to compare yourself with or chance hearing unpleasant feedback with an option that you thought of and might have worked for you to deal with this easier? Any feedback would be apprecitated. I am still unsure at this point.
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