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Re: Intimacy Issues
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Re: Intimacy Issues

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Posted by emoot(: ( on July 25, 2003 at 10:25:26:

In Reply to: Intimacy Issues posted by Pharaoh ( on July 24, 2003 at 21:35:01:

> I'm 21 years old and a fairly good looking person and I have never even had a girlfriend! I think it's totally whack, but something about me keeps me from being affectionate. I wouldn't consider myself shy but I never really talk with anyone. But whenever it comes to girls that I feel I really like I get overly withdrawn and tend to avoid them and admire them from a distance even if I feel they are interested.

> I used to run a webpage in the DFW area about the club/rave scene that became fairly popular. I got caught up in drugs and alcohol at a point in my life because I would become social and not so detached around everyone and everyone thought I was a really kick ass person. I started the webpage and got to know several people and made quite a few friends which is something I never had before. I had girls that would be all over me online when I talked to them, but in person I always felt like I bored them because I couldn't live up to the whole being intimate thing. More than anything in the world I want to find true love! Someone I can talk to and hug and be close to but it's something I don't know how to do.

> I met someone about a year ago online on the msg board I ran. Her friends were trying to get her to post because she liked the site but was they claimed she was shy and they were trying to get her to post. I msged her online and after a few months she became the top poster on the site and we've become really good friends because we could chat online non stop for hours every single day. Every time I saw her at a party though I couldn't speak... I'd totally choke! But she'd always try and talk to me. I've been able to trust me feelings and emotions with her and she understands me more than anyone but my best friend now. A year after I met her, I'm now going to the same school as her. Classes started 2 weeks ago and I see her every day now. As much effort as I put into it, I don't know how to be myself around her... I can talk to her but I don't know how to joke around, laugh, and I'm almost afraid to touch her. We've made it a routine where I hug her every time I see her and when she leaves to go home (she drops me off after school) but it's just awkward because we know each other so well but I don't know how to show her that I really like her. I've written a love letter and flattered her and I know she likes me. I really care about her and I'm hating on myself for not being able to show it... she's a 6w7 and I'm a 4w3

= Hey, emoot, here.....(4w5INFP - graphic artist ... married to 6w5/ISFJ engineer)

If I think back to, and I hate to use the expression, when I was your age, I can remember having those weird feelings of being attracted to someone and then not being able to show it for fear of looking stupid or getting my feelings hurt. Part of it, even though I longed for romance, was my own pride.....I couldn't play the fool for love... but that was mostly with people that I hadn't really gotten to know, people that I had crushes on.

I think, however, in your case, the internet has sort of reversed the progress of your development in this relationship. I mean if you had become friends and shared all of those conversations in person that would have been your normal means of interaction. But, you guys met in cyberspace and that is where your comfort zone is.

In person, the wall is still up.... It's awkward. I think though that fours are very capable of intimacy..... It takes a couple of things for that to happen....One is time. Two is...keep talking face to face. (Don't be afraid that you will say something that will send her running in the other direction....you've got to be yourself, because if she is going to accept you... she needs to see the real you) If you keep seeing this girl every day in person.... soon that will start to feel comfortable and you feel accepted by her in real life. You will start to read her reactions and learn to trust her...... then you will be able to share your deepest thoughts with her and give her bonified affection.

The best thing about sixes.... is that they are loyal when they finally commit..... or is that just ISFJs? Hmmm......

Oh, I have one other tidbit of info..... Ask her to take a long walk with you...... In the words of Jesse Owens.... "If you walk long enough and talk long enough....you get to know someone." I have found that to be very true..... for some reason walking with someone promotes conversation and relaxes anxiety....it really takes the pressure off.

Have fun,

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