Posted by stephanie (188.8.131.52) on July 27, 2003 at 14:12:53:
I just feel like I'm at my wit's end. I'm 29 female. Happily married but am self depressed constantly. I don't know what I'm going to do with my life and feel I'm so far behind. I've gone back to school but I just can't stand it, it's so boring. I know that it is important. I have quit so many jobs because I just couldn't stand the meaninglessness of it all. My husband thinks I'm a loser-not really but I think he probably thinks that. I'm attractive, I have a good sense of style but what good is that if I'm not made of substance? My mother was an artist and my grandmother, I have the talent but it is not refined due to the lack of art education.-or maybe I just think I have the talent and really don't. I don't know. I lived 18 years of life in Japan due to my father being in the service. There was alot of abuse and emotional abuse that I suffered through with him and I'am still trying to forgive him in my heart. I have read all the books and it has helped some. I'm just upset that he did not give me the adequate training for life that I'm supposed to have gotten from a parent. My real mom left my dad and me and my brother when I was 6yrs old and went to Germany to pursue her dreams of being an artist. I found her 2 years ago on the internet but she died from breast cancer about 5yrs ago. I'm ok with it, but was disappointed that I couldn't have that sense of belonging. My dad remarried after she left us to a phillipino lady, who had her own daughter-who was 2yrs younger than me. Of course my stepsister was groomed with praise and not the beatings and constant lectures for hours on end. I understand that this was done because of ignorance. I'm upset that I have to repair this damage and in the meanwhile still finding myself at my age. I have no kids and probably will not have any until I'm mentally ready if I ever will be. Sorry to rant, I just need to reach out to someone. I don't have a sense of self. When I was younger I sketched fashions for hours on end, maybe it was an escape mechanism and no talent. I dreamed of being a fashion designer in europe and living in an old apartment with some cats and living around people who loved art and the finer things. I still believe that I belong in that world and wince when I eat at Mcdonalds because I feel like I'm better than that. What a laugh. Sometimes I say, Stef-you need to grow up and get your head out of clouds. Sometimes I feel like I could write a book about my life and it would be a best seller because hardly any white girl has ever grown up with an asian mom and dealt with being treated as an outcast in their own family.-and then the real father actually siding with his "new" family.-maybe it's not such a big deal anyways. People have gone through worse I know. Maybe I just want to be special. No, not special just famous for creating art from all the experiences and pain and hurt and suffering. But, I still try to remain positive. I have never taken drugs, and I don't drink. I do smoke cigarettes though-my husband gets very upset all the time about it. I feel bad sometimes but then sometimes I think "shut the fuck up". I want to get cancer and hurry up and die already because I'm too scared to kill myself any other way. I really am not going to kill myself, I've thought about it, who hasn't? Well any words of wisdom or advice will be greatly thanked. :) or you can send me an email. I do have friends but I don't talk about this with them because I don't want to weigh them down with worries or anything. I don't want them to feel obligated or anything. I try to think to myself that this is my problem and have to deal with it. My husband is the total opposite of me and has no clue how to respond. He just let's me be which is fine by me. I don't really have a choice. I've tried therapy but those people get paid too much for nothing.
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