Posted by Val (188.8.131.52) on July 27, 2003 at 15:16:21:
In Reply to: someone help me............ posted by stephanie (184.108.40.206) on July 27, 2003 at 14:12:53:
Several thoughts go through my mind reading this. I guess the question to ask first is if you really want help, and if so, in what way? Advice? Do you feel better just having ranted? Are you looking for empathy from others who have been through similar experiences and "survived"? I guess until we know that, we can't really help you except accidentally. :)
I have had a few mad moments myself, and usually ranting relieves some of the pressure, and if I find anyone who has felt similarly, I feel better 100%, whether they offer advice or not. I don't really like advice from people who can't prove that they understand the situation I'm in.
See that big giant paragraph below? I do that all the time. ;) My life is pretty good at the moment... yet I feel flat, lost, depressed. I constantly doubt my value and my own abilities. I wonder what it means. I analyze my childhood. I have trouble forgiving my mother. I don't talk to my irl friends about my problems. In fact, people tend to more often dump their problems on *me*.
That's what you might call my resume and where this advice is coming from. 1-Recognize that you're trapped inside yourself, and only you can let you out. For me it's me trapped in my head most of the time, overthinking. It's Four stuff. Rocking back and forth between Feeling and Thinking to where it kills all your Action. Then you're miserable because you don't know yourself and you have no self-confidence. You can't know yourself until you interact with the world, and you can't build confidence in your abilities if you never exercise them and see what you can do.
2-Give up the self-analysis, need to know why of everything, for at least short periods of time every day. I mean set up some kind of activity that will throw you outside yourself (which is really scary at first) whether you want to be out there or not. For me it was tutoring. I tend to quit things but I just couldn't disappoint people counting on me, people who needed *my* help. And I didn't feel so useless when I could actually help somebody with a few math problems or something now and then. For whatever reason, Fours are not best served by knowing why. Because now I know why for a lot of stuff... and now what? I'm in the same boat as I always was, only I can be even more analytical about it and more critical of myself because I know exactly the unhealthy patterns I have.
3-If you find mysterious inner resistance or lack of motivation at the thought of trying the above... turn your inner analysis to figuring out what you're afraid of, and what benefits you're getting out of staying where you are. For me, it's safety. Being depressed and isolated actually soothes my fears about rejection (i'm a Social Four). Until you really decide if you want to stay where you are, the reaching out for help will just be a push-pull kind of thing that will temporarily gratify a need for attention, but people won't be able to really help you, and they'll end up getting hurt in the process. :(
Of course... this could all be projection on my part. In any case, if you want to talk more about the job/school/career situation, art/fashion, parental issues, or trying the patience of loved ones, I'm glad to go there with you and I'm sure there are plenty of others on the board who'll share their experiences as well.
> I just feel like I'm at my wit's end. I'm 29 female. Happily married but am self depressed constantly. I don't know what I'm going to do with my life and feel I'm so far behind. I've gone back to school but I just can't stand it, it's so boring. I know that it is important. I have quit so many jobs because I just couldn't stand the meaninglessness of it all. My husband thinks I'm a loser-not really but I think he probably thinks that. I'm attractive, I have a good sense of style but what good is that if I'm not made of substance? My mother was an artist and my grandmother, I have the talent but it is not refined due to the lack of art education.-or maybe I just think I have the talent and really don't. I don't know. I lived 18 years of life in Japan due to my father being in the service. There was alot of abuse and emotional abuse that I suffered through with him and I'am still trying to forgive him in my heart. I have read all the books and it has helped some. I'm just upset that he did not give me the adequate training for life that I'm supposed to have gotten from a parent. My real mom left my dad and me and my brother when I was 6yrs old and went to Germany to pursue her dreams of being an artist. I found her 2 years ago on the internet but she died from breast cancer about 5yrs ago. I'm ok with it, but was disappointed that I couldn't have that sense of belonging. My dad remarried after she left us to a phillipino lady, who had her own daughter-who was 2yrs younger than me. Of course my stepsister was groomed with praise and not the beatings and constant lectures for hours on end. I understand that this was done because of ignorance. I'm upset that I have to repair this damage and in the meanwhile still finding myself at my age. I have no kids and probably will not have any until I'm mentally ready if I ever will be. Sorry to rant, I just need to reach out to someone. I don't have a sense of self. When I was younger I sketched fashions for hours on end, maybe it was an escape mechanism and no talent. I dreamed of being a fashion designer in europe and living in an old apartment with some cats and living around people who loved art and the finer things. I still believe that I belong in that world and wince when I eat at Mcdonalds because I feel like I'm better than that. What a laugh. Sometimes I say, Stef-you need to grow up and get your head out of clouds. Sometimes I feel like I could write a book about my life and it would be a best seller because hardly any white girl has ever grown up with an asian mom and dealt with being treated as an outcast in their own family.-and then the real father actually siding with his "new" family.-maybe it's not such a big deal anyways. People have gone through worse I know. Maybe I just want to be special. No, not special just famous for creating art from all the experiences and pain and hurt and suffering. But, I still try to remain positive. I have never taken drugs, and I don't drink. I do smoke cigarettes though-my husband gets very upset all the time about it. I feel bad sometimes but then sometimes I think "shut the fuck up". I want to get cancer and hurry up and die already because I'm too scared to kill myself any other way. I really am not going to kill myself, I've thought about it, who hasn't? Well any words of wisdom or advice will be greatly thanked. :) or you can send me an email. I do have friends but I don't talk about this with them because I don't want to weigh them down with worries or anything. I don't want them to feel obligated or anything. I try to think to myself that this is my problem and have to deal with it. My husband is the total opposite of me and has no clue how to respond. He just let's me be which is fine by me. I don't really have a choice. I've tried therapy but those people get paid too much for nothing.
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