Posted by Lakhesis (22.214.171.124) on July 28, 2003 at 01:58:17:
In Reply to: Intimacy Issues posted by Pharaoh (126.96.36.199) on July 24, 2003 at 21:35:01:
I'm 26 years old muself, and while I've been with a couple of different men in vague relationship terms, I've never been engaged in the sort of intimacy that is required for a loving, fluid, intense relationship.
I think it's probably pretty common for 4's to have these experiences (or lack thereof!) Essentially, all we want in this world is love. Alot of the time, we haven't received the love that we need and deserve from those around us in our formative years, which can lead us to coming up with a whole bunch of reasons why we're not lovable. Our added trait of feeling somehow cast away from the mainstream, that we're different in some way, can make us feel somehow defective. All in all: not good precursers to getting involved in a trusting intimate relationship! And not great for self esteem, either!
Commonly, type 4's fall for unavailable people, be that literally or emotionally. (Use my taste in men as an example: pot-heads, professionals with wives, political activists, repressed Englishmen, etc... thus far) It keeps us safe: we know that to fall in love will be so intense for us that to have someone else return the feelings would just be too much!
Even though 4's have a deep love of solitude, it also terrifies us. I know that I'm constantly thinking 'My God... What will I do in two years... Three years... Four years... Ten years... If there's still nobody there?' All very understandable given the circumstances, but not very progressive, unfortunately.
I'm sure that there are ways to rectify this. Learning to adore time alone and adore yourself is bound to help. Building self awareness and understanding through things like the Enneagram, and modalities like Astrology, etc... will also help us greatly.
I suppose the final thing is that intimacy requires huge amounts of risk. Whether it's pretending to yawn to get your arm around someone at the movies, or making passionate love or exposing your deepest core, it all involves risk. Partucularly for tender fours, our fear of rejection is so great that it is extra difficult for us to surrender and fall in love.
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