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Posted by stephanie (67.8.12.80) on July 28, 2003 at 21:09:36:


Hello again, this is Stephanie. As I stated, I'm 29 and married/no kids.
I'm not working anymore. I've been going to school although I find the task extremely boring and want to give up. I guess I'm freaking out alittle because 30 is right around a corner and feel that certain things should of been obtained by now or long ago. I sometimes feel motivated then sometimes I think, this is going to take so long and wonder if it will even direct me in the position I want to be in. I know that it is the "right" thing to do in the end. Maybe I'm just lazy? Maybe I'm scared of not making it and so I will just sabotage it. It's weird because I do well in all I put my mind to. My jobs that I have had, I've always been either the best or with the best, due to fear of people finding out that I really am a "loser". I quit while I'm at the top and I also quit because there is no where else to go-challenge wise. I've done the best, now what? I've gone this whole year without working to "sort" myself out and feel bad or guilty because I haven't been working. My husband doesn't mind but I wonder sometimes. We also have my sister in law living with us and she thinks I'm a TOTAL LOSER. We have all lived in the same house for 3years. She totally ignores me, we have not spoken for 3yrs and live in the same house. It's been hard and I think I suffered an emotional breakdown due to me letting her views get into my head and just reinforcing what I think about myself already. She's an aggressive, type and I think that she thinks that I should be like her. She's a control freak and perfectionist I believe. I think it pisses her off that I remain true to myself, but then I think, maybe I'm just rebelling against her and her way is the "right" way.-Go to school, work hard, and don't have feelings and be independent and be shallow and make small talk. She has been or excuse me, -I have let her views bring me down in the most possible way. I still try everyday to remain positive. We don't move out because this is a nice big house,-father in law house (he lives and works overseas) we just pay small rent and includes utilities/rent. So, we are taking advantage of the opportunity. I wonder sometimes if my happiness and privacy is worth it. I know it's not. But in the end, money talks.


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