Posted by stephanie (18.104.22.168) on July 29, 2003 at 21:56:37:
In Reply to: I'm in a weird mood..... but posted by emoot(: (22.214.171.124) on July 29, 2003 at 18:32:03:
> Hey stephanie,
> I totally understand several things that you wrote about.
> Firstly, I was very good at every job I had.....everybody was always telling me that I am a creative guru...... I used to be afraid that it was a facade and that people didn't really know that I felt like a feeble fake and that the bottom of it could all fall out at any moment. Then I'd be found out. (The truth is ...I am a creative guru, despite my doubts.... but as I have said before in the ESTJ run world.....there are a lot of real reasons we don't fit in.... it does not mean we can't have a job... it just means we have to find a suitable way to adjust and deal with it.... although in my case that meant working for myself)....
> Secondly, As nice as I think I am now, I hated to work for "other" people. Why? Because of, and, blob, you can identify with this....Office Politics. (The idea of grown people acting like high schoolers in cliques just galled the living daylights out of me. Also I think I had a general problem with being a subordinate art dept. drone, and rules just bug me. I can follow them for awhile but then.... there's always a breaking point for me.
> I will say I had one job that I really loved because my bosses weren't other artists.... they let me have ther rule of the art dept and creative drive. Plus, they were decent human beings and treated everyone that worked with them fairly. That type of thing is very hard to find in the corporate world.... and it only existed in this company because it was family owned. I would have stayed there but my husband was transferred to a better job in another state and we had to move.
> After that, I took a job in TV which was pretty cool and I liked it, but then there were the politics again.. for some reason they are particularly biting in the media....always the game of one-upmanship. It was that way at the newspaper where I worked, too.
> Thirdly, my greatest vice..... comparing myself to others. I hate this aspect of myself and have decided that it is nothing but a negative. I have a check on it and I am trying to reformat my way of thinking.... I am almost rid of it.
> Even though others look like they may have something that I don't I have to tell myself that they are missing something too.... because no one is perfect.... so there is no reason to think someone else, for whatever reason, is better than me.
> Stephanie, I want to tell you a bit of truth, that took me 32 years to discover....Nobody, not even the 1w2 you live with, has it all together. Work can be used as an escape just as being lazy can ( but I don't think you are being lazy...)
> I think fours get bashed because we are mostly thinkers rather than doers... yes, I know it is good to be productive and I think we should be, but ..... still yet.... I think that workaholics get praised for feeding their addictions or escapes in our society, while their personal relationship go to crap and society could care less about that fault. Meanwhile you have the four out there who is geared to do his or her own thing.... and we get labeled "loser" for being who we are.... or trying to be who we are......just because we don't feel like working 24/7 with the rest of the world. (sorry, I got onto my soapbox.....I gotta get a grip on crusader mode.)
> So my advice is stick to being true to yourself and to your relationships..... if you've got a little time to sort it out.... go ahead. There's no reason to believe that you are doing anything wrong. In fact.... I know when I quit working.... I had a little identity loss and went through a bit of depression( it felt like, and I thought everybody was judging me)...it literally took me some time to get cranked back up and ready to take on the world( and it may take you some time too.).... During that time I looked like a loser to some people....but as John Maxwell says.... "Don't be afraid to look stupid"..... risk is only risk. You've got goals......and you will get there, but on your time table.
> Go ahead take that art class. Also volunteer for a worthy cause. You will find a lot of purpose volunteering for something you believe. Sometimes those things can help us find ourselves and our purpose really fast. It won't feel like a waste of time.
> I'm still in a weird mood.....
Wow, you hit the nail on the head and made alot of great points. I know it may sound old, but I know you can really relate to these situations that I'm going through. About the job thing, I guess I'm slowly starting to see the bigger picture of it all. I guess I just try to hurry everything up and put everything together really quick to make a picture, when in fact I'm maybe "scrambling" up everything. Maybe I just need to step back and take a deep breath and do some serious soul searching. I've let fear run my life for the longest time. Fear of everything and everyone, and I know I just have to refuse to deal with it anymore. Do you live without fear? How have you dealt with it? Is it really just-"just do it" and not think about it?
Your number three vice is one of BIGGEST downfalls. I've been comparing myself to others for a very long time. I think that must be a very hard thing to stop doing. I should try to do that as well. I think I would feel more at peace at myself mentally. That is a great idea. I do have a weird thing that I do though sometimes, like say I meet someone who is smart, attractive and a female like me. I think to myself well, I'm better than her anyways. I feed these thoughts into my head like, well I know a different language, I have thicker hair-anything to make myself feel better and to not feel threatened. But that is not the same thing as just stop comparing all together is it? No, I guesss it's not. I just thought that thinking that I'm better was BETTER than thinking Oh God, she is so perfect and I'm such a loser. So, are you saying that when you meet someone who have may have "special" qualities that no little red flags go up? No heartbeat uping a beat?
I get the feeling that you are a strong person with alot of experience and I plan to take in any advise or points that people who can relate to me will provide. I'm so grateful. After I read your post I was just thinking wow, this person knows what she is talking about and I just feel happy that this opportunity does exist. Thank you. Stephanie
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