Posted by Margaret (126.96.36.199) on August 02, 2003 at 15:21:28:
I was thinking about this, establishing intimate realtionship with another is something I alwasy put on the backburner, something that was never high pirority on my list, almost alwasy in the back, if not very last, ususally, always. However, there is a reason for that.
And I really believe the biggest reason is not my not having a body or face that has sufficient 'proof' or 'reason' to justify being attracted to.
I've always felt bad about not having strong "proof" to 'justify' I was worth being attracted to, face or body, but I did over the years have at least one thing I could use, and that is that for the past 15 years I have weighed 92 pounds.
So I was always thin, and felt that at least with being thin, although I don't have any ohter "proof" or asset to use for a reasonable justification, I could at least always say "well at least I'm not fat".
However, these days it's differnet. I cannot say that any longer.
Because I gained 15 pounds. And today I weigh 107. And I can see it and FEEL it on my legs, thighs, hips, buttocks espcially (also on my arms, shoulders, lats).
So, yes, lifting weights I expected was naturally going to add more weight to me, however, what dissapoints me is although I do see more 'body mass' on my lower body, what I DON'T see is 'definition', which is the whole idea of why I did this in the first place. (Even my arms you can't see anthing but mass, unless I tighten it, but I dont want to have to tighten it to see anything, I just want it to be seen relaxed, not tightened, that was supposed to be the whole purpose of it in the first place).
Anyway, the LAST thing I need is someone to look at me and think well, she has weight on her, but no definition, so it must be fat.
NOW what? Now I have no defense left. I used to have a terrific defense "at least I'm not fat", but now the only defense I had is *gone*, now what do I say? "Well, I guess you're right, I really am lacking reason/proof/justification to be attracted to" is the only thing left I can think of to say.
So now you can see why I currently feel incapable of establishing intimate relationship with another, because I LACK physical reason, proof, and justification.
So, yes, that is my greatest obstacle. You have to hae a REASON to be attracted to someone. You have to have a REASON. If you do not have ANY boobs (*NONE*), no hourglass, and now no definition on new "mass" suddenly appearing espcially on my lower half (and arms), I cannot for the time being see HOW any chance of establishing a relationship with another is possilbe unless he was either physically and legally blind or in some way, some how, *assured* me that no, he does *not* care about looks, or at least how I look in particular. Which, at this point, I'm not sure how possilbe that is.
I tried on a dress I bought a few years back when I was still thin. That was back when you could see the tailbone instead of a butt when I turned to the side (I had no butt back then). However, now you can see a curve (that is called a butt), but I know it's not just fat because not only I can feel some hard mass on the top, it would not be sticking out firm if it was all fat anyway, because fat hangs and sags, not placed out firmly. So I guess the dress looks better on me because now from the side you can see an 'ass' nowadays.
However, what if he wants me to take it off? Then what? If I can't see definition, then he won't. Then he'll see the 'true' me, the lack of definition and then think, "oh my gosh, I can't any see any definition, which is what I used to establish a 'reason/purpose/justification' for being attracted to her in the first place. Now that I see it's not there, what am I going to come up with now? How am I going to justify myself now?"
I guess I could just tell him I can't take off my dress because that would ruin his 'reason/justification' and at least that would take care of THAT problem, however, but I still would feel uncomfortable because... even with my dress on, you cannot see 'boobs'. So now what do I do about THAT part of the body? Although I can see some pec muscles bulk above the boobs, it still has not done anything to make more *actual boobs* themself larger.
My next thought is I could always get a boob implant. If I had one of those, I would be able to attract another, because then he and I would be able to have a reason this time aroud, "well, she has boobs, THAT's why I'm attracted to her" and that would be a good enough reason for him to have in order to come up with some kind of excuse/reason good enough to "prove" to others and himself that I have some kind of justification to be attracted to.
Because right now I currently don't have any kind of reason/prrof/justification to offer. And (at least from my view), you cannot POSSIBLY go out with or be attracted to ANYONE unless you can come up with a good enough reason/excuse/proof/justification.
So that's the reason why I am not with someone, because I can't use my body as a reason, because I don't have one that provides a reason good enough or strong enough to fully justify being attracted to in the first place.
Having said this, does anyone know where someone like me could go from here? Cause I really would like to start a relationship with another but currenlty am lacking that 'proof/reason/justification' enough in order to get it started. Is there any way I can either acquire this or maybe, possilby somehow find some kind of way around it even, (which would be even better actually)?
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