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My story underneath that motive
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My story underneath that motive

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Posted by Margaret ( on August 04, 2003 at 20:25:13:

In Reply to: The Type of the U.S.A., and Chesapeake Bay posted by The4Blob ( on August 04, 2003 at 08:44:27:

***Actually I didn't like it over there. And I never was a big fan of the ocean because it makes me feel unsafe and devoured by the vast expanse size of it. It scares me. I am scared of it. And I don't feel comfortable by it.
I feel much more comfortable in a rural, heavily forested mountain region by a nice size lake. I don't know why but that provides me with the greatest safety and comfort level.

The only reason I was trying to get 'acquainted' with it (the ocean) was because there is this guy who lives on the Jersey shore who I have liked for such a long time, and I was thinking that maybe the reason why he has not asked to see me is because he did not think I liked the ocean, so by 'doing' this it would have encouraged him to ask to see me.
However, that doesn't seem to have worked really.

I know he has serious commitments keeping him over there for the time being, but I jsut keep fantasizing it would be really neat if he could just move out with me and we could get a place up north, a log cabin, a boat, a Harley, and just live closest dream life realistically possible.

However, truth is I haven't even seen him where he's at now, let alone able to make this fantasy come true.

I guess I could always just move up north myself after this rental lease year is over here and then once there find a guy who already lives there and is already interested in the same things as I am, so that case "upping and moving" wouldn't have to be such an issue this time around because he would already be living there.

Problem with that is, I can't stop thinking about this guy on the shore. I haven't been able to. For a long time. And having just about *zero* experience in estblishing relatinoship with an intimate, I don't know what to do next, I really don't.

The fact of 'moving on' to someone else, someone who wants to live with me up north, someone who wants to be with me, spend time with me, I don't know. How would/could I make that possible even? Where would I find someone like this? Where would/could I even begin to look?

It makes me feel really bad to not hear from him for so long. Yet I know in the past he has been with other women the whole time I liked him. That was no one's fault but mine, I know, but, how can I get the courage to meet someone who really wants to be with me in real life? I feel so, not very confident.

And the idea of "making love" with someone, that has alwasy been a "block" for me, that's the whole reason why I have avoided relationship this whole time. It literally makes me feel sick to my stomach. It alwasy made me feel like that was "bad", "sinning", and that alwasy made me feel sick. And since that feeling is so dreadful for me, I never got motivated enough to be with someone.

However, there are other reasons I would like to be with someone, and that is more for friendship and companionship reasons, and I'm thinking htat if I could have at least these needs met, then maybe I could find a way to at least deal with, the part I've never felt good about. But, up to now, I never really 'needed' freiendhsip, companionship that much. However, these days, I am getting older, and am starting to want it now, because I don't want to be by msyelf that much anymore. I would like to be with another 'loner' type like me.

That would be the ideal. Because although my aging and maturing is wanting to risk opening myself up to another in life, aside from that, I also still need someone who is ultimately 'individual/independent/self-reliant' like me.

And yeah, the guy i like is, seems very much like that.
Which is also why it would be hard to let go. I mean, what's the chance I'd find someone else like him?
He's unique. Original.
I just wish there was a way to get together with him. Or, say if he didn't care to, then at least someone who is compatable with me.
Because, yeah, I am starting to get a little bit interested in developing a safe and 'space-sensitive' relationship wiht someone.

In real life.

> First, I believe the U.S.A. is a now a 3 culture originally spawned by a 1 culture.

> In our leisure, many Americans look like 7s.

> Margaret, I was lucky enough to spend a weekend at a really isolated farmhouse on the east side of the Chesapeake Bay, about 1/2 hour drive from Cambridge (the BIG CITY of the area -- it is REALLY sparsely populated.) There are even Bald Eagle nests in this area. We ate dinner at a restaurant on Hooper's Island, it was like being back in the days of living completely off the products of the sea. So don't give up on the Chesapeake Bay area.

> If only Johnny Depp had walked in with pirate costume . . . he he he

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