Posted by Margaret (220.127.116.11) on August 07, 2003 at 16:44:19:
The strange thing about being happy is, *when*? Why does it have to take so goddam LONG?
I am so tired of not living where I WANT to be. I DON'T like it here, all I want to do is either to live up north on the lake (or live with my friend on the Jersey Shore, wherever he wants).
That's all I want. I don't want anything else. NOTHING. I blew off work today because I *felt* like it, (I am temping), and although I just got a job offer for a permanent position somewhere else (and accepted) today - that is horrifying to think of -
because all it means to me is that now I am STUCK. Stuck, AGAIN, for a whole nother year, at least, AGAIN, in a place I DON'T want to be. I DON'T LIKE it here. I DON'T want to be here.
All I want to do is either live with him wherever he is or live on a lake up north. That's all. That's the only thing that will finally bring me peace content and happiness. Is when I finally live someplace I want to be.
Meanwhile, how in the world am I supposed to make it living here for a whole nother year? How in the world am I supposed to live here any longer? How will I EVER MAKE IT a whole nother year living someplace I DON'T want to be, *again*?
I do NOT want to go back Labor day weekend for this very reason, actually I DO want to go see my family but I DO NOT want to go to see my old freinds, not when they are where they want to be and I am not. NO WAY do I want to see them unsettled like this. NO WAY.
I just am so tired of not being "settled". I am SO TIRED of it. This is BULLSHIT. Everyone else is where they want to be at this age EXCEPT ME. Again, like the lone ranger, I'm the ONLY ONE who is not settled. the ONLY ONE is not someplace I can call home. Again, the ONLY ONE my age, the ONLY ONE.
Perceiver was complaining about how messy his house was, you should see MINE. I live in a GARBAGE PIT. Which is *not* normal for highly-clean me. But I can't get myself motivated enough to clean it up and throw it out because I can't stand living here anymore. Also I've been blowing off gym for weeks now, not working out, because I just can't seem to get motivated for that either anymore.
Why can't I just live someplace that is nice and have a job offer that actually offers to pay, God forbid, MONEY for ONCE in a lifetime and either be with my friend where he lives or on the lake and be happy? Why has this taken so LONG to get where I'd rather be and I'm STILL not anywhere NEAR there?
Why does happiness have to take a LIFETIME to reach? WHY?
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