Posted by schrips (184.108.40.206) on August 24, 2003 at 18:09:35:
Growing up, and even now sometimes, I feel ashamed of my emotions. Not even of being overly emotional, but almost by the fact that I have emotions at all. And definetly because I express my emotions and that they influence my decisions. Is this something that other 4s can relate to, or do you think it was prompted by my family? I'll describe them...
My dad. Very domineering, intimidating 8 (w 9? he wants everyone to shut up and act happy but he wants to be the one directing everything). Always yelling about something. When I was very young I admired him and was a typical "daddy's girl". We went fishing, I "helped" him fix cars, etc. When I was around 8 or 9 he got a job traveling a lot (and under a lot of stress), and I dreaded when he came home because he just turned into this absolute monster. my mom would actually send my brother and I to our rooms until he calmed down. I have to physically leave the house when he pays bills becuase he just screams at my mom for 3-4 hours straight (what the hell happened to check 354? Why do you spend so much goddamn money on the pets?). He also expects dinner to be on the table when he gets home, is loath to do his own laundry, expects the house to be spotless and then yells when she can't go out becuase she is cleaning. All this despite the fact that she works full time too. Emotionally abusive to my mom...overtly makes fun of her when she cries at movies or shows any other emotions.
My mom. Average 9w1, although she used to be less healthy than she is now. Suicidal thoughts, but no attempts, when my brother and I were toddlers. Kowtows to my dad, then complains about him to my brother and I. Is in love with who my dad was 20 years ago (or maybe even an idealized idea of what he was then). Never stands up for herself. Used to take paxil for anxiety, I guess all the pent-up agression has to find a way out eventually. Very religious, openly believes my brother and I are going to hell for not being christian. My brother and I have told her many times to divorce my dad, but there is always something more important that her own well-being that stops her. Money, house payments, my dad's health problems.. Currently it is that my brother just started college and she doesn't think my dad would pay for any of his bills if they were split up..which is probably true. My brother and dad openly despise each other...and my dad refused to pay much for either of our education b/c we should "pull ourselves up by our bootstraps" like he did. I think I equated emotionality with submissiveness and dependence because of this dynamic between my parents.
My brother, 2 years younger than I. Unhealthy counterphobic 6w5, although he tests as an 8 or (sometimes) 3...which I see as an indication of just how unhealthy he is. Close to psychotic now. Admittedly blacks out during fistfights only to find his opponent bloody and unconcious when he comes to. Beleives in telekinesis. Alcoholic, although he refuses to seek help or truly admit it to himself..."I'm a drunk, alcoholics go to meetings". Oh yeah, he just turned 21 in january. Completely self-defeating. Bragged to everyone who would listen in high school that he would beat my SAT scores...then smoked weed beforehand (ostensibly to calm his nerves) but, I think anyway, to have an excuse if he didn't score higher than me. Everything is a competition between us (far beyond typical sibling rivalry). A couple years ago I cut my wrists in a feeble suicide attempt, when he saw the scabs he declared that I didn't even do it right, and that I couldn't kill myself before him because I would "steal his thunder"--he was gonna be the one offing himself first. Then he declared that it was obviously just a cry for help...admittedly it was a half-assed attempt, but one that I took great pains to hide from everyone and which I have only just begun to share with other members of my family. Lately he has also said that he wants to kill himself, but refuses to give all those people who want to see him dead (?) to the satisfaction. So he just puts himself in harm's way: unprotected sex, alcohol abuse, drunk driving... He has also told me that he thinks expressing one's emotions is a sign of weakness, and that emotions have evolved as a kind of a last ditch effort at self-preservation. For example, if some wooly mammoth is about to chomp on your skull and you start crying, perhaps that will confuse him so much that he doesn't eat you. A couple weeks ago my whole family was watching a movie and when it got to the sad part, he shot a look at my mom, "you aren't crying are you?" "No." "Good, because then you would be a freak."
And then me, the little ol' 4w5 holed up in her room listening to sad music and fantisizing her life away. Moody, high-strung, lonely, depressed. Overachiever in high school. ADD. Suicidal nearly my whole life, but off the effoxor for about a year. Anyway, I'm tired of writing and I think yall have a little bit of an idea about me...so what do you think of my dysfunctional family? Should we all be hauled off to the loony bin? Sometimes I think so. Unfortunately, I'm living with my parents again after graduating from college until I can find (and afford) a place of my own...hard enough for anyone. I'm having trouble resisting this cloud of depression that seems to hang over this place. Back to my sad music...
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