Posted by schrips (220.127.116.11) on September 01, 2003 at 14:09:49:
In Reply to: Re: shamed by emotions? posted by emoot(: (18.104.22.168) on August 26, 2003 at 00:45:23:
Sorry for the delayed reply...I'm housesitting and don't have access to a computer there. Dad's definitely a workaholic. He probably works 80 hours a week. He overinflates his role as the "provider" to substitute for emotional interactions. He won't say "i love you" or "i'm sorry" but he'll buy you shit.
I think he is teh master of denial and will avoid being vulnerable like the plague, though. He recently had angioplasty (he's only 45, too) and later admitted that he had been having chest pain for 4 months---and his father and brother have both had heart attacks, he has high cholesterol and blood pressure. I really don't know why he makes fun of her emotions...he's pretty sexist and likes to perpetuate the idea that women are just simpering, stupid, emotional basketcases. He does basically anything that will make my mom feel like shit so that he can control her... My brother does the same thing, and since both my mom and I are withdrawing types, we tend to just say "ok, whatever, just leave me alone" instead of call them out. When I did confront my brother about his comment about being a freak for crying at a movie, he didn't even know waht to say. He just kind of stammered and stumbled around for an explanation. It was really funny...but kind of sad too. He seems very fake and afraid. I don't think the therapist was sure which personality disorder he has. After doing some reading, I want to say borderline or antisocial. He has all these fantasies of killing everyone in the world to save the planet...
> > I know my dad didn't have a very happy childhood. His parents are very strict Calvinists. If you aren't familiar with that, basically anything that makes you feel good must be a sin...repent or suffer eternal damnation!!! Me? Bitter? No.... One of his brothers is an alcoholic (in denial). He used to drink a lot in college, now he has his one beer with dinner every night. He once had a handwriting analysis done for a job application, though, and it showed "addictive personality traits".
> = It's hard to say, but I know that anger and addiction are close friends... meaning that anger can sometimes be an indicator of an addiction. I mean stuffed pain has to come out somehow, and I know your dad is angry but he probably only yells about the little stuff around him and has probably never dealt with any of his deeper pain or saddness. It's not uncommon for that type of person to use some other kind of outlet for stress escape. There are all kinds of addictions apart from Alcohol/drugs; food addiction, workaholism, gambling, sex/porn, prescription abuse, perfectionism, thrill seeking, chain smoking, compulsive shopping/overspending, codependency (is in itself an addiction - because it is consistent unhealthy behavior in response to another person's unhealthy behavior.
> Basically anything can become an addiction if it is used to medicate(avoid pain or stress)or escape reality(to avoid dealing with something/life). Anything that takes over and makes a person unable to manage their lives sensibly. ..... (Some addictions are obviously worse(in varying degrees) than others but they all have the same goal.....avoidance of pain/fear/stress)..... I can't say for sure about your dad, but it might be good to keep your eyes open for signs of something else out of balance besides his temper. He definetely has control issues.... another indicator to me that something is way off balance.
> > I've had the same thought about how neither my brother or my dad recognize anger as an emotion. It is very peculiar. Do you think this is some kind of denial? About my dad "wanting everyone to act happy"...
> = Yeah it is a type of denial, because if he didn't tell everybody to get glad in the same shoes they got mad in.... he might have to deal with emotions and he wants to avoid that..So it's better to act like nobody's got any problems rather than deal with anything that might be troublesome and flare an emotional outbreak.
> You know it just dawned on me ... why does he make fun of your mom's emotions? In one way that makes me think he's really afraid of his own emotions and diverts it by making fun of your mom. Or Maybe he's jealous in a weird kind of way.
> It just seems to me that something is really eating him.... buried very deeply and he has tried to deny any painful or negative feelings surrounding it, so he has become a control freak in the area of emotions and tries to control even those around him by making fun of them or by telling them how to act..... all in an attempt to avoid emotion. Now that makes me go hmmm......
> All I really know is that he isn't ever going to be happy until he identifies whatever is really bothering him and deals with it appropriately, instead of lashing out at everybody else for no good reason.
> > >>you have tried to please everyone with your compliance....trying to be good at all you do so that no one will get mad at you.
> > This really struck me. I never really thought about it this way...when I first started getting interested in the enneagram, I was always like "could I be a one? I'm all overachieving and perfectionistic..." but reading the detailed description just didn't fit at all...And I was always thrown off by the "slacker" stereotype for 4s which also didn't seem to fit... But I did all that crap to make everyone leave me alone, not because something in me gave me an innate perfectionism. Interesting...
> = Yeah, motivation is key.
> > I've been to a therapist a couple times, but not for any extended period. I'm turned off by the ones who want to slap a "disorder" on everything or want to be all "blame the mother" Fruedian (been there, done that, doesn't really accomplish anything). I went to a therapist at school once, and she acted all shocked about what I said, which just made me feel worse... My mom worked at a psychiatrist's office for a few years, and I call one of the therapists there occasionally. BTW, after meeting my brother just a few times (in a social setting) she said--he has a personality disorder.
> = Which one, personality disorder, that is? Borderline?
> > I've never really thought about going to a support group...in school i was involved in an LGBT group that functioned somewhat on that level, and I think I really benefitted from that. I think I'm a little too stubborn about "I'll do it myself" and this is keeping me from trying to get help in this way. But I'll definitely consider it, just will probably take a little time to warm up to the idea. Thanks for all the advice. :)
> = I like analyzing stuff, it's the armchair psychologist in me... glad it was somewhat helpful.
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