Posted by Raz62 (220.127.116.11) on September 08, 2003 at 09:01:18:
I have noticed that when my day-to-day life just gets too boring and routine and tiresome, two of my "sub-personalities" start fighting for control of the ship so to speak. These aren't true multiple personality disorder symptoms nor am I schizophrenic . . . it's more like I have a couple of idealized roles I like to be and they have been almost completely suppressed in the past several years because of children, lack of finances, weight gain, etc.:
I will use Enneagram nicknames here because they fit so well:
1.) The Professional. This person would have already gotten an MBA and broker's licenses and would be earning $100K a year. The beautiful suits, the Jaguar, the respect of colleagues, the travel, the social events following the business day. Most important would be the sense of being a winner in the world, able to compete succesfully against anyone, providing a nice home and top schools for my kids. And the sense of competence for having the intelligence to analyze and write the kind of business reports required. This person is being suppressed because my kids will NOT allow me to have evenings and weekends to myself at all.
2.) The Iconoclastic Bohemian. Unfortunately, this is my favorite but is totally irresponsible with the children. This person will just jump up and decide to spend the day bumming around the Village, sitting in Washington Square park with a cup of coffee, doodling or writing story ideas. This person would be a writer, visual artist, and musician, and wear nothing but jeans and concert t-shirts and tanks and boots, . . . and this one likes to indulge in drugs/drink, sex, and motorcylces with the rock and roll (are you there Margaret?) Also the activist type -- writing editorials for the local paper (or the Village Voice if they'd have me), volunteering for political campaigns. A total non-conformist. Cannot exist right now because my husband would have a fit.
3.) The person I have actually been called to be is kind of gross to me. I have completely failed at making my home a beautiful work of art -- and with the lively pets and beautiful garden -- and lots of quality time with my own children and perhaps with children in general (ex. teaching Girl Scout badges to my daughter's troop.) A gourmet chef. This role appeals to me a bit, but the day-to-day drudgery is just too much . . . this person falls somewhere between Type 1 and Type 4/3. It's what my life is BEGGING me to be and I don't like it. I'd rather be #1 or #2 (detailed above). Should I call this role "Domestic Goddess"?
-- the indignity of being around scummy people every morning as I board the train to work, because I have to take the "cheap" elevated subway instead of the nicer train that the higher-paid execs take. Or the neighborhood I live in, where I go to the Wawa for morning coffee and people speak with the heavy working class Philadelphia dialect, "Yo, Jim, you catch the Iggles game?" "Nuhh-uuhhh, Bob, I'll watch em timarra." Oh, and those illiterate-sounding men probably take home 2x-3x what I do -- BECAUSE THEY ARE MEN ESTABLISHED IN WELL-PAID BLUE COLLAR SPECIALIZATIONS! And I'm just a National Merist Scholar with a Journalism bachelor's degree who is nothing more than a glorified clerical worker now!!!!!!
THANKS FOR LETTING ME RANT ON MY 41ST BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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