Posted by adrianne (18.104.22.168) on September 26, 2003 at 08:41:36:
In Reply to: being an unhealthy four...avoidant personality dis posted by avoidant (22.214.171.124) on September 09, 2003 at 14:27:50:
> I'm new to the board and I guess I just want some sense of empathy and to feel like other people are going through the same things that I am. I'm 4w5 and INFP (wonder how many males are this way).
> I know my problems stem from genetics and childhood. I was born shy, so when Risso and Hudson try to implicate that our personalities are all about our connection to our parents and modeling, I just don't buy that. On the other hand, my siblings are mostly 3''s and 8's which is frustating at times. My brothers in the past think that I just simply need to be around people more often and that I'll be fine. Fact is I don't like most people as they seem so shallow and uninteresting- I hate small talk. The worst part about it is that I feel so out of place around most people because that's what 90% of what life is about, small talk, and I feel guilty and self-concsious because I think I shouold be interested in their small talk on one hand, and on the other I could really care less.
> It's the part of me that wants to fit in on one hand and feels guilty for not paying attention to small talk and the other side that could care less.
> Being a 4w/5 I'd rather talk about knowledge or ideas or human nature. It just really sucks when you never meet any people out there like you. I guess that's why i decided to finally post on this board.
> I think the biggest mistakes in my life deal with trying to live up to other people's expectations of what I should be versus not accepting myself for who I am. The "fire within" would duie down if I could just accept who I am and not try to live up to some gregarious, outgoing, fun, spontaneous, people pleasing image that others want me to be: or at least as I perceive them wanting me to be. Problem is I reject this notion on one hand and still feel the pressure to bve that gregarious, charming, friendly person on the other.
> Has anyone else who is a 4w5 been diagnosed with having avoidant personality disorder. There is a discussion board for that on another site and I think it would help \me to accept myself more and see that I am not the only person who feels so alone in this world. If anyone has, I'd like to learn more about them and their life experiences.
> In one of the Risso books, he talk about the fact that 4's must overcome their self-consciopusness no matter how painful it may be. Ah, sounds easy on paper but when applied to the real world it feels like an almost impossible task. At work, I feel little but overwhelming social anxiety, self-consciousness and paranoia. What angers me so m,uch is that no one seems to understand my place in life, and I think the only people that can are average to unhelathy fours. Interaction with people totally taxes my reserves as I am constantly afraid they are looking at me negatively and judgmentally...a result of the fact that I never felt appreciated or accepted by any other person in my entire life...save one or two people who were compasssionate. Hence, the avoidant personality disorder, paranoid personality disored, and even a diagnose of schizo-affective.
> Growing up was pretty much a nightmare in terms of finding myself in the world and pretty much continues to this day. As with most 4's, I don't feel like my parents ever understood me....perhaps they were too involved with their own issues...but when you've never heard anything but sarcasm and putdowns from your opwn father your whole life, itis no wonder that I have little self-esteem...how can I identify with a person who has bnever given me a positive statement or assurance in my entire life, who is withdrawn from people himself (he is a 9 integrated to a 3). And on the other hand I couldn't identify with a mother who thinks that attending to a childs needs only means attending to their physical needs and who has no idea on how to relate to people in a deep way.)
> I'd like to know more about middle-child syndrome and how that affects our lives.
> Anyway, I'm here and plan to come back because I sometimes feel I'm at the end of my rope and am crying for people who can realte to me. I have a multitude of issues: schizoffective, avoidant personality disorder, paranoia which I just can't seem to handle on my own anymore which is why I've come to this board.
> I just need to know that their are others out their like me for whom pain and loneliness seem to be the dominating factors in their life.
> Sorry if this sounded way too self pitying, but I just feel like I am unable to handle all my issues on my own anymore, probably doesn't help the fact that i am an alcoholic and am drunk while writing this.
> Thoughts and suggestions are welcome.
> Btw, I'd like to know what you other 4w5 do as far as careers?
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