Posted by Jedinovice (126.96.36.199) on March 30, 2003 at 14:33:01:
Just dropping in for some advice over a type 5. I'm a type 4 with a strong 5 wing. Cutting a long story short - I've been in contact with a lovely lass via the internet who lives fairly close to me. The context was possible romance.
We got together twice and got on very well - though she seemed rather stand offish in places though her emails were warm and fully of expressive smiley faces. Anyway, we got together a week ago and don't think either of us were firing on all cylinders that day. As the day went on she was clearly tired and becoming more and more uncomfortable and 'phasing out.' I thought it was growing rejection - that she was tired of me full stop. I did NOT register I was dealing with a five. In fact, I couldn't work her out at all personality wise. I am not an expert on the Enneagram though I am pretty familiar with it.
So, in the end when we split at the train station, she said goodbye and COMPLETELY closed off her body language. No way was she going to give me a hug or any other physical contact - she completely closed me off. I mistook this as, "Shove off - I've decided I despise you" as it was getting more and more awkward (though I suppose that could be true.) So, like an idiot, I figured, "I read this as rejection - I've nothing to lose" and effectively forced a hug out of her. She gave me one but it was 'air hug' and I left reckoning, "Well, I've lost it there." Damn shame as she seemed really, really nice but I could not handle the confused signals. I knew I've walked over her space and her defences but figured, "Well, she's decided so what the heck."
On Wednesday it hit me.
She's a five.
It had been a while since I'd checked up on the five so looked up the data and registered - "I've completely mis-read this!!" And walking over a 5's personal space when she made it clear "No further" was an *A1* mistake!!
The next day (I gave it time - three days on from the Monday) I sent an email apologising in a non-emotive fashion and mixed in the apology with other good news. I gather 5's do NOT appreciate major outpouring of the souls especially from those they do not trust. So played it 'cool.'
That was on the Thursday. No word. No reply.
On Saturday I sent a joke and something inspirtational by email trying not to phone, trying to give space and not 'press' but trying to a get a reply - even "Shove off." It's now Sunday evening and no word. This is the longest she has ever taken to reply to an email.
I fear I've blown it enough for her never to want to contact me again. This is obviously concerning me because I actually hold her in high regard and she has been been very straight with me if not 'warm' at this stage. Now I know what she wants (in general) I am happy to give her space and time and not read silence as rejection. But I fear my realisation is too late.
At the moment I am just waiting but the longer I wait for any sort of reply the more anxious I am. Word from one other five is that my error was a _baddie_ for a five. I am holding back from phoning to give her space and not repeat my mistake but, with email word, I may have to call.
At the moment I just have to wait but, if I can ask my five friends here:
1) I didn't have a good day last Monday. I did bulldozer her. (This is quite unlike me I have to say!) Is the apology likely to be enough? Is this likely to be terminal? We have a lot in common and we seemed to get on well, though I accept that we have only actually met three times.
2) Is she likely to contact me again or do I really have to work here?
3) What work can I do to remedy the situation? I gather 5's do not like emotional apologies, clingingness and so will not appreciate a contrite phone call. So what can I do?
I am most sorry for my action which was a mis-reading of a type 5. If I can resolve this and re-establish contact, now I know where she is coming from, I am happy to provide the space needed. I don't mind playing by the rules if I know what the rules are but I didn't get the rules for a five until now. She is NOT aware of the Enneagram.
Any suggestions? Much obliged - yours (a typically) romantic and anxious 4.
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