Posted by Josie (22.214.171.124) on May 09, 2003 at 10:57:56:
In Reply to: 5 and 7 relationships posted by Iris (126.96.36.199) on May 07, 2003 at 00:45:53:
> Anyone been in one?
> Is it a huge problem for 7's to become easily bored with a relationship?
> I just got out of a relationship last month with a 7, and understanding the way they are, has been somewhat of a help for me.. wondering if anyone has anything to add?
I guess you're a five, then. Well, I'm a 7w6 who's very interested in the Enneagram, and specifically how 5s and 7s can get along, as my boyfriend (who I'm hoping will propose to me one day) is a 5w6. I figured maybe you could help me understand 5s in relationships the way I'm sharing what it's like to be a 7 in a relationship.
You ask if it's a huge problem for 7s to become bored in a relationship. For this 7 (me, duh!), 'boredom' in relationships is no problem. In fact, if I'm very strongly attracted to and very much in love with a man, I'd never want him to break up with me. Never ever. If my 5w6 man ever left me, I'm feel suicidal. He's the single most gorgeous man I've ever known (really!), and we generally get along very well. My only issue is understanding how to balance my need for intimacy, love, affection, companionship and serious lovemaking with his need for 'privacy' and solitude. Could you help me there, with understanding if you 5s ever crave sex and romance? I think my man does sometimes, but he's awfully subtle about it. The bottom line is; yes, us 7s like constant stimuli, constant amusement. Most of my effort is put into coming up with fun plans for myself. But then, the downside of my seveness is that whenever I have any money (not often), I blow it all on candy and movies and various toys and clothes and stuff. I really have little self control.
But as far as my impulsive hedonism leading me to break up with my lover, over 'boredom'? Oh, dear, never! He's sexy, gorgeous, brilliant and fun to be with. He'll obviously be the same person ten years from now. Why would I want to leave him? I guess my security seeking 6 wing makes me more loyal, too. Maybe it's 7w8s who have more of a problem with disloyalty.
I'm thinking that maybe you need to give us more information about your type 7 ex-lover if you want me to advise you as to why he broke up with you.
If you'd like a successful loving relationship with a 7, here's my advice;
1. If you ever have warm feelings for him, express them. INITIATE AFFECTIONATE ACTS! Give him a kiss or a hug or whatever without being prompted by him. If the two of you are ever alone (the only way you, as a 5, might feel comfortable with being sexual), if you're ever horny, express it, damnit!
As a 7, my 5's lack of emotional expression makes me wonder if he really loves me, y'know? I mean, he buys me a lot of nice gifts. I feel like a very much loved woman when I receive his gifts. But I wonder to myself, is he in love with me the way I'm in love with him?
So, a) I'm asking you to express affection when you're with a 7, or with someone of any other type. And, b) could you explain to me how you 5s deal with romantic love? If my pokerfaced man loves me, apart from him buying me gifts, how can I tell? My 5 is travelling around the world right now, he's been doing so since this January. I miss him immensely. We met last October, and I think we fell in love with each other. We live in Canada (but not together, yet). He'll be in Florida in a couple of weeks. I have literally no money, I'm 19, jobless, and living with my parents. :( He understands that I have no money. He's buying me a return ticket to Florida to see him! He'll be paying for our hotel stay and all of our expenses and taking me out to fancy restaurants, lovely museums and beautiful beaches. He's spending a lot of money to be with me and have fun. But why? Do you think, as he's a 5w6, that he's doing this because he loves me? Help me, please!
2. You 5s need space to be alone, huh? Well, as a 7, I love to be with my man very frequently, but sometimes, even I like being alone, too. But, even you 5s like to be with someone you love sometimes, eh? My advice is to make it clear to a seven or to anyone else as to when you need to be alone, and when you want companionship. If you let a 7 know what you want, directly and clearly, we'll respect you. Really. But when you need our company, let us know, please?
And please help me with this; how can I tell if my 5 wants to have sex?
3. My lover makes a very good income. I'm broke. I'm looking for daycare work for extra cash. But, I can't control my spending of my own money. If I'm in a store and I see something I want that I have the money for, I'll buy it. I simply can't control myself. Hopefully, one day, when my 5 decides it's time to start living together (I want him to ask me to move in, A.S.A.P.!), I want him to control the finances. You 5s are good at impulse control. If you have a 7 in your life who's a lover or a friend, please help us to be patient and control ourselves. We'd really appreciate it. Because, all the time, I do what feels right just at that moment, but then I regret it later. We 7s can learn a lot from you 5s. Remember, you're our point of intergration, we need nothing more than to be influenced by 5s!
4. Primarily, as a 7, Iris, I'm frustrated about how I want to get close to my 5 faster than he wants to get close to me. I want to live under his roof. I want us to be married. But my man likes to take things SLOWLY. Yet, he's spending a huge wallop of money on me, and we'll be vacationing in Florida soon at his expense. But when will he truly consider me to be his lover? Does he consider me to be his girl already, and he, as a 5, just doesn't want to talk about it? As a 7, Iris, I need you, as a 5, to give me advice about this issue. And maybe this helps you understand how us 7s feel like to be in relationships with 5s.
I used to live with another man, who I was in love with. He was a hyperaffectionate 2w1. I was smitten by his loving warmth. I moved in with him, away from my damn parents, very quickly. I loved how he'd say how much he wanted to take care of me. But, he was an unhealthy 2, and his 'love' came with an ugly twist. He became overcontrolling of me. He'd pick fights with me over very minor things. Like, maybe I put my spoon in one corner of the kitchen sink instead of another. That was how he was overcontrolling. He had a great sex life at the beginning, but then he'd introduce me to one of his kinks. And I wasn't turned on by them. But, I quickly learned that if I didn't get turned on by his porn, he'd get very angry with me. So, eventually, it got to a point where I was having sex with him very often, but never because I wanted to. It was always faked sexual interest from me, to prevent him from getting angry. It was a miserable situation. And he'd hit me sometimes, and break things around the house. I couldn't stand him anymore, I couldn't stand his anger. So I broke up with him and I had to move back with my parents. Then, I met my 5 and fell in love.
So, Iris, after being with an unhealthy 2, being with a man who's a 5 is a big relief in many ways. He lets me know I can be myself. He doesn't get angry. He's patient and supportive, and he's very intellectually stimulating in a way my 2 never was. He obviously respects me. But then, on the flipside, he takes love a lot slower than my 2, not so eager to get so close so quickly. But I feel more confident that when we do get even closer, it'll be a lasting, commited love, not a flashy quick show of affection like I got from a sick 2.
If you, Iris, or any other 5 here wants to give me help with how 5s love, I'd appreciate it. Until then, Iris, I hope I helped you understand us 7s a little better!
Josie, the love crazy 7w6
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