Posted by Iris (220.127.116.11) on May 12, 2003 at 02:18:05:
In Reply to: Re: 5 and 7 relationships posted by Josie (18.104.22.168) on May 09, 2003 at 10:57:56:
> I guess you're a five, then. Well, I'm a 7w6 who's very interested in the Enneagram, and specifically how 5s and 7s can get along, as my boyfriend (who I'm hoping will propose to me one day) is a 5w6. I figured maybe you could help me understand 5s in relationships the way I'm sharing what it's like to be a 7 in a relationship.
******* I'm a 5w4, not too sure about 5w6's.
> As a 7, my 5's lack of emotional expression makes me wonder if he really loves me, y'know? I mean, he buys me a lot of nice gifts. I feel like a very much loved woman when I receive his gifts. But I wonder to myself, is he in love with me the way I'm in love with him?
> So, a) I'm asking you to express affection when you're with a 7, or with someone of any other type. And, b) could you explain to me how you 5s deal with romantic love?
******* My 4 wing comes out in wanting romance. But it takes time for us to let our guards down and allow ourselves to become attached. In the beginning of relationships, I always try to keep in mind that relationships at my age (19) aren't going to last forever. It took me 3-4 months to fully realize I was in love, after I knew I was already loved in return.
Your guy sounds fairly successful, and I'm wondering about his age?
>If my pokerfaced man loves me, apart from him buying me gifts, how can I tell?
******* I've been commented on my pokerface too many times... its hard for us to share our emotions. Often times after a night out with friends, they have to ask me days later if I had fun or not. Apparently they can't tell, but that could be because I like to get home, be alone and think about the night I just had, picking out all the conversations and moments that were good. My subtype is sexual / self-preservant/ social. I love going back through experiences in my head.
> My 5 is travelling around the world right now, he's been doing so since this January. I miss him immensely. We met last October, and I think we fell in love with each other. We live in Canada (but not together, yet). He'll be in Florida in a couple of weeks. I have literally no money, I'm 19, jobless, and living with my parents. :( He understands that I have no money. He's buying me a return ticket to Florida to see him! He'll be paying for our hotel stay and all of our expenses and taking me out to fancy restaurants, lovely museums and beautiful beaches. He's spending a lot of money to be with me and have fun. But why? Do you think, as he's a 5w6, that he's doing this because he loves me? Help me, please!
******** I like giving gifts for someone I love when I have money. If I know they really want something that they'd never actually expect to get, than I love the satisfaction of giving and making them happy. I think our actions tend to speak louder than our words. I have such difficulty getting my thoughts to come out of my mouth in a comprehensive way. To show affection, I would buy gifts, I would cook them breakfast or dinner, offer to do little things for them, etc.
> 2. You 5s need space to be alone, huh? Well, as a 7, I love to be with my man very frequently, but sometimes, even I like being alone, too. But, even you 5s like to be with someone you love sometimes, eh? My advice is to make it clear to a seven or to anyone else as to when you need to be alone, and when you want companionship. If you let a 7 know what you want, directly and clearly, we'll respect you. Really. But when you need our company, let us know, please?
> And please help me with this; how can I tell if my 5 wants to have sex?
******** As you've said above about being very impulsive, we aren't. I tend to sit on my instincts to think about the whole situation first. I'm more vocal and open about when I want sex, in the way I'll touch them or giving them a deep look, talking about what I want. That could be my 4wing.... I don't know very much about 5w6's.
> 4. Primarily, as a 7, Iris, I'm frustrated about how I want to get close to my 5 faster than he wants to get close to me. I want to live under his roof. I want us to be married. But my man likes to take things SLOWLY. Yet, he's spending a huge wallop of money on me, and we'll be vacationing in Florida soon at his expense. But when will he truly consider me to be his lover? Does he consider me to be his girl already, and he, as a 5, just doesn't want to talk about it? As a 7, Iris, I need you, as a 5, to give me advice about this issue. And maybe this helps you understand how us 7s feel like to be in relationships with 5s.
> I used to live with another man, who I was in love with. He was a hyperaffectionate 2w1. I was smitten by his loving warmth. I moved in with him, away from my damn parents, very quickly. I loved how he'd say how much he wanted to take care of me. But, he was an unhealthy 2, and his 'love' came with an ugly twist. He became overcontrolling of me. He'd pick fights with me over very minor things. Like, maybe I put my spoon in one corner of the kitchen sink instead of another. That was how he was overcontrolling. He had a great sex life at the beginning, but then he'd introduce me to one of his kinks. And I wasn't turned on by them. But, I quickly learned that if I didn't get turned on by his porn, he'd get very angry with me. So, eventually, it got to a point where I was having sex with him very often, but never because I wanted to. It was always faked sexual interest from me, to prevent him from getting angry. It was a miserable situation. And he'd hit me sometimes, and break things around the house. I couldn't stand him anymore, I couldn't stand his anger. So I broke up with him and I had to move back with my parents. Then, I met my 5 and fell in love.
> So, Iris, after being with an unhealthy 2, being with a man who's a 5 is a big relief in many ways. He lets me know I can be myself. He doesn't get angry. He's patient and supportive, and he's very intellectually stimulating in a way my 2 never was. He obviously respects me. But then, on the flipside, he takes love a lot slower than my 2, not so eager to get so close so quickly. But I feel more confident that when we do get even closer, it'll be a lasting, commited love, not a flashy quick show of affection like I got from a sick 2.
******* It takes time for us to really open to someone. Just give it time.
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