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Enneagram Main Board Archive Re: 3 wing taking controlPosted by Hal on February 25, 1999 at 12:10:47: In Reply to: 3 wing taking control posted by Christy on February 25, 1999 at 08:22:18: > I've had a major insight into myself lately that I wanted to share- > I've been using my 3 wing to consort socially - "acting" like the people I'm around. Example: I've been having problems with aggression and bitterness in dealing with my husband. This is because I have learned the hard way that I have to act as an eight to stand up to him. "But" this aggressive stance with him is interfering with my normal routine of getting emotional, then listening, and then finding growth. Instead, I end up feeling bitter and more pissed off. Hence, more rage. How to stop this now? I don't know yet. But to all the 4s on the board who I've told to stand up to the eights in their life - a word of warning about how far you go...... I've experienced the same thing with my 3 wing--acting like the people I'm with, or in a way that I think they will like. I've become much more aware of it than I used to be, but I still find myself doing it without wanting to. In many ways, I don't like doing this and am always working on stopping, but the sad fact is that it often does work for me, and makes things easier. I just haven't been able to find a different strategy that's as simple and effective. As for standing up to 8's, I don't believe that that by itself is a bad idea. But it's like you said, when you stand up to an 8 by acting like an 8. We 4's really do have a need to be true to ourselves, and I can see many times when that does mean having to stand up for ourselves and become confrontational. But I think that we need to do it in our own way, not by copying what seems to work for someone else. I find that one of the biggest keys to avoiding becoming angry and bitter is by not just being true to yourself, but accepting the way you are. Accept your strengths as well as your weaknesses. Accept your successes as well as your failures. Accept your flaws and your losses. Until we fully accept ourselves, we can't love ourselves, and without that love, there is fear and anger. - Hal -
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